Eugene, OR – Wishing to show support for the tragedy of Eric Garner’s death on July 17, 2014, university officials confirmed Sunday afternoon that it would send Garner’s family a holiday card featuring the “Die-In” demonstration at Lillis last Friday, during which hundreds of students took part in simulating death from suffocation.
“We’re hoping to comfort Garner’s family in this time of extreme racial bias within the police and judicial systems by providing them a picture of the students who were thoughtful enough to come out on a Friday afternoon at the end of dead week to show a cult-like suffocation death pact,” university official Carl Deady said. “Gosh, if only we thought of this idea sooner—we could have put up holiday lights all around Lillis’ interior and show the beauty of our students’ lifeless faces.”
Numerous university officials commented that many of the students in the demonstration were passionate enough to force their faces to grow paler, resembling the loss of blood flow to the head that results from cutting off the flow of oxygen.
“Even though 80% of these demonstrating students were white, they really nailed the paler look,” university official Maurice Tot said. “It really is like they are completely dead. We’re positive Garner’s parents will appreciate this attention to detail. It shows them, ‘We understand. We’re here for you. #BlackLivesMatter.”
At the demonstration, when several Daily Jade and other media correspondents asked students in the demonstration about their views, many students responded with, “I can’t breathe.” One valorous student took a selfie video of his violent, seizuristic suffocation, typed out a message, and handed his phone to a media correspondent that read, “Plz make GIF of this & send to Garners parents i support them #Fergie.”
University officials are currently discussing the possibility of either adding audio to the card (including the sounds of chilling silence with mile rustling and occasional exaggerated suffocation in the tune of a popular holiday jingle), or adding donations from over one hundred students.
“These students have not only offered to sign their names over their cold, lifeless bodies, but to donate one dollar each to, I think one student said, ‘make sure the Garners stay off the streets,’” Deady said. “We don’t know what they mean by that exactly. It must be an Internet trend or something. Either way, there’s nothing wrong with a little money; it should be a very nice holiday gift. We’re thinking of you, Garners. Stay strong.”