5 Things You Need To Know To Save Your ASUO Campaign

The Ducks Like You slate complains about rent to a number of passing students.

The Ducks Like You slate complains about rent to a number of passing students.

1. Everyone Loves Underdogs

This year it seems that each slate thinks it is a front-runner. Mighty Oregon, the elitists; Ducks Like You, pretending they aren’t elitists; and Fresh Start Oregon, the campaign that thinks UO sucks and wants to end everything we have come to know. With all of these intimidation titles, the only students getting my vote are the ones who cease the assault on the student body with clipboards and trap questions.

2. Everyone Loves Dogs

Last year, United Oregon’s campaign had cute dogs, such as @SnowbelleFratHound, to their table. This year, students were bombarded by loud rap and hip-hop hits with high-energy angst as they attempt to enjoy the nice weather that Eugene gets even more infrequently than a good ASUO election. What happened to that, and who decided that dancing was better than dogs? The Internet can back me up on this.

3. Avoid Going to Jail

This is harder than it seems in politics. To presidential candidate Thomas Tullis, for example, wiretapping seemed like the best way to to garner the attention of Emerald media reporters. But those damn relentless authorities to step in and take you to Lane county jail every time.

Several UO students culture students protest against the title that could clearly describe them.

Several UO students culture students protest against the title that describes all culture-loving students.

4. Avoid Insulting Motherfuckers

While elections rarely garner much attention, minority motherfuckers often care slightly more about having their voices heard, so they act as a sizable portion of the constituency and should not be treated like shit like everyone else on campus.

5. Promise Things That Cannot Be Done

Apparently college government campaigns used to be exciting back in the day. This wasn’t because they were conducted much differently back then, but rather because candidates had the audacity (I learned that word from President Obama) to care about things that students were really passionate about. They would claim their slate could do impossible things like lower the rent of an entire city, put an end to the entire Greek system, and operate in a fair and justified way. These things are frankly never going to happen, but when candidates claim they can do something like this, people pay attention.