This is you: You find yourself lying on a comfy wooden floor with several/no friends around you. They’re unconscious or nonexistent from a night of drunken meaninglessness, and you decide to turn on the TV You don’t see the Winter Olympics. Shit, you actually kind of cared about that stuff, sort of. It captivated you like the uncle that shouts at the TV all day, who is also lying unconscious.
Now what do you do with yourself? Wake your friends up to talk about your lack of memories? Get a job? Travel the world? Tell you parents who may or may not have permanently lost trust in you that you love them? ALL WRONG! The right answer: You make something of yourself. You join the College Olympics.
That’s right, the College Olympics occur every winter term to prepare you for spring break. If you thought your previous night would prepare you well enough, think again. These five professional college games will chisel you into the shape you need for spring break.
1. Tripping Bicyclists
Those fit, chiseled bastards. They deserve it. Get rid of as many of them as possible, and you’ll be the not most repulsive person at the spring break party.
This game involves walking very slowly across 13th Avenue while giving the façade that you’re texting your friends, and then when they think you care more about your friends than about your safety, BAM. Tripped. And tripping, too, if they land on their heads just right.
2. Consuming One Gallon of Ice Cream in Under an Hour
This game always seems to find the most natural talent out of all the events. Many people can hold their ice cream pretty well from having put on the extra of fat to “keep you warm during the winter.” Of course, for the lightweights, sharing with friends is permitted, just make sure they know you’ll be going through their wallets later to make up for the lost ice cream.
3. Cuddling Under a Blanket and Binging an Entire Show on Netflix
You can’t team up with a friend or significant other for this game. That’s fucking cheating. And you can’t watch a good show, either. That’s not the point of Netflix. Let the shitty show draw you in like a new job right out of college. Burn calories with your rapid processing and forgetting of useless dialogue and storylines. This does make the game challenging, though, because soon your energy and motivation drain you until you turn up at a spring break party as Gollum, scouring the area for “your precious.”
4. Playing Flappy Bird Until You Cry
Clearly a feministic game – because the little birdy dies when it hits the large pipes, and yet it just keeps on going until it’s satisfied, not caring about the pipes at all. Sound familiar? Well, get used to it. It’s your spring break.
5. Bringing Back High School Memories
After just watching 15 year-old girls lift their legs above their heads while spinning at a gazillion twists per second, you are brought back to your shitty teens. Those wonderful times when, for girls, periods stained your pants so that everyone in the school knew but you, and for guys, your balls dropped so fast that you’d be in bed all day because you were “tired,” and for the other supposed 49 gender options, well, no one gave a shit. Tell the most memories you can to your roommates, and see if they still want to stick around with you at the parties.
Remember, College Olympians: these are professionally collegiate games. Don’t give up when things get tough. Keep on trekking, and hey, at least you weren’t the guy who got murdered for getting the special effects wrong in the opening ceremonies.