Eugene, OR – Following the crushing defeat last Saturday that broke a two-game win streak against the Oregon Ducks, the Stanford Cardinal unanimously decided to stay in Oregon and benefit from the “Death With Dignity” act, which allows for assisted suicides to help those crushed with hopelessness.
The whole team – including coaches, players, some traveling fans and members of the marching band, and the Cardinal mascot – will stay in Oregon for the next week to gather itself and then find a place where it can painlessly throw all of that away.
“Life is meaningless if we can’t ruin another team’s season,” Stanford quarterback Kevin Hogan said. “It was already bad enough that Arizona beat the Ducks before we did. And then when it came time to play them, we couldn’t even beat them. I’m done. Time for me to leave this world with honor, on or off the field.”
Hogan reminisced about the gleeful previous two years of dominating Oregon, describing Stanford’s influence as “cancerous” and consequently concluding that “we can’t make it through life without that [cancerous effect].”
Even since sources dubbed this cancerous effect as the “Stanford problem,” fans have wanted it eradicated.
“That ugly motherfuckin’ tree deserves to DIE!” drunk Ducks fan and environmental science major Carl Oak said at the game, among other colorful insults from raging fans at the game.
Reports from photographers at Autzen Stadium on game day state that certain photographs reveal players, normally while being tackled, having the disheartened look of someone who sees no use use for their skills and ability to touch the hearts of thousands with culturally significant points on a scoreboard.
“We can’t just face this obliteration and then go up against the happy-ass Mormons at Utah two weeks from now,” Cardinal wide receiver Devon Cajuste said. “Going through that is more, you know, morbid than not doing that or anything else ever.”
Stanford’s head coach, David Shaw, shared in the team’s despondency the most. “I can’t believe I thought calling Marcus Mariota the best player in the nation would be enough to let his guard down and give us the edge again,” he said. “I’m not thinking right. It’s time for me to take a vacation here. Let my hair down a little. Or at least I would if I had hair and was stupid enough to hang myself.”