Stall Talk: 5 Steps You Need To Know For Proper Urinal Etiquette

5 Steps For Proper Urinal Talk

Take the urinal open on the far right. Drop your ego as swiftly as you drop your zipper.

The bathroom: a sanctuary of porcelain and perhaps urinal cakes. Women neither pee nor poo, so read no further if sitting down and peeing is what you do. With the modern day restroom changing drastically from those of the 1900s, so has the water-closet culture.

Nowadays it is looked down upon to talk while you whizz to a complete stranger, it is a crime to take a quick look at your urinal neighbor’s willy, and it is blasphemous to look deep into another man’s eyes, unless it is through the window. Well, enough is enough. Today you will learn the art that has been lost in time, and you will help bring back society from its childishness.

  1. If there is an open urinal next to an occupied one, you MUST take it, especially if there is no divider. This allows you to show, not tell, your friendliness.
  2. You must look directly into your neighbor’s soul and start a conversation about how nice his clothes are. A compliment on his attire will show your attentiveness and will boost his self-confidence—a true win-win situation.
  3. Touch him gently on his shoulder if he is not very responsive, as he must be having a bad day. A gentle pat shows you care and are there for him.
  4. You both must finish at the same time. It is very rude to finish late, and virtually satanic to finish early. If you finish first, just make noises with your mouth to not pressure your new friend. If you finish late, just zip up and hold it in for a bit.
  5. As you wash your hands together, get a name and number for your friend. Don’t let the hard work go to waste if you feel like you made a connection. Also remember to wait three days before you stall-call him.

Follow these steps and bring back the good old days of our ancestors.