Sigma Alpha Epsilon (SAE) is a modern day Animal House—full of completely misunderstood gentlemen and scholars.
For example, take the recent changes to their property, specifically the parking lot. Many people think they lost their privilege to park at their lot because they are all belligerent drunk assholes who take advantage of women, disregard authorities and abusively haze pledges. But we at Daily Jade know that’s a phony theory. The truth is that they forfeited their parking privileges, by their own free will, for the greater good of the campus that is hard-pressed to offer decent parking.
Okay, this parking does cost $8, but hey, that’s just good fundraising strategy. It represents UO’s school of business well. And the parking site provides a wonderful view of the illustrious PLC, which represents UO’s school of architecture well. And, most importantly, the parking is completely safe, so Chinese foreign exchanges students can leave their million dollar cars in peace.
Other Greeks should be ashamed of themselves for their pathetic attempts at philanthropy. While nearly all of fraternity-sorority life (FSL) holds a charitable event, they tend to last only for a few hours and have lackluster involvement (you know what I’m talking about if you went to Kappa Alpha Theta’s attempted Casino night). But SAE’s goes hard all year long with their sainthood. They are light years ahead of most FSL, except for the sorority sisters at Tri Delta, who are reportedly in the process of establishing of the female escort industry in Eugene. A brilliant, bold strategy.
The studs at SAE know how to keep it classy, too, unlike other FSL. Sure, Kappa Delta holds the Sham Rock and Run 5K to Prevent child abuse in America, Delta Gamma holds a basketball tournament, and Delta Tau Delta does volleyball. All of these events are under the guise of being good causes, but they are really just pompous hints to members of the other sex that they should have intercourse. Meanwhile, the brothers of SAE are above such blatant fixation on classlessness. They respect women and children, fine art, and the occasional imported ales and architecture. Why else would they frequently redecorate the gilded lions that provide a regal entrance to their sophisticated fraternity house?
In conclusion, RUSH SIGMA!