Eugene, OR — A fully-functioning, hard-working, chipper son-of-a-bitch UO student, known as Rilly B. Zee, has been seen actually doing work at Chapman Library for five consecutive days and several hours each day, sources report.
“He is really distracting to the students here who are trying to have a productive nap session and browse through pointless shit on the computer,” library overseer Jack Chap said. “He doesn’t even try to be quiet. You can clearly hear Zee’s rigorous scribbling on his notepaper and his occasional deep breaths as he chugs through math problems or something. What an energetic shit.”
Zee reportedly has the tendency to create his own niche with such objects as a lamp for extra light, mounds of printed class readings, and a laptop with research article tabs and TED Talk videos. Chap reported he never saw social media tabs or porn videos on Zee’s laptop.
“I’ve been here [Chapman Library] all four years to take glorious naps for hours on end along with all the other students, and I’ve never seen anyone like him,” Honors College senior Noah Werk said. “I don’t know how that ecstatic little fuck has the willpower to not give in. I’d ask him if I weren’t so tired.”
When asked why he actually does work in the library next to people who are just trying to sleep, Zee replied, “Well, I can’t go to Knight Library. It sounds and looks like a really sleepy place. I’d probably fall asleep the second I get in there. But while I’m in Chapman, hey, I can rock that Geology 123 homework, haha! And I can do all my other work without a problem. Because of this I currently have a 4.3 GPA and all of my professors love me for the knowledge I have accumulated through my studies.”
Geology 123 professor Avril Lanche, just waking up from a nap at Chapman Hall’s computer lab, stated, “He [Zee] straight up annoys me.”