Eugene, OR – Shortly after the Oregon Ducks’ football game last Saturday – which marked what is possibly the last local college football game for Ducks quarterback Marcus Mariota – the president of Northwest Christian University (NCU), Joseph D. Womack, announced that his practice of religion extended to worshipping Mariota.
“I need Marcus Mariota more than you guys need Jesus,” Womack said while looking at a photo of Mariota prayerfully taking a knee and bowing with a football in hand. “He’s such a humble God. Tim Tebow can only wish he had a God this magnificent.
Womack confessed that he wished all classes at NCU could have been canceled for the game last Saturday, but that he still gathered 20% of NCU students via a self-published Mariota pamphlet to go to the game with him and mandatorily chant hymns in Proverbs, such as “Mar-I-Ota!”
“I wish all heathens could celebrate the true God in all his glory as He touches down righteous judgment upon the Colorado Buffaloes before ascending to the heavens of NFL football,” Womack said.
Womack expressed pride in the middle-school reporter who spoke with Oregon Ducks’ head coach Mark Helfrich at press time, saying that life at his school consists of only three things: “Jesus, girls, and Marcus Mariota.”
“Even then, we’re still not giving Mariota enough credit; He shouldn’t be included with the likes of girls and Jesus,” Womack said. “But still, such young commitment to the our God is inspiring, and I’m giving this kid a full-ride to our University for it.”
In response to Womack’s worship of Mariota, UO’s Alliance of Happy Atheists (AHA!) announced that it would make a comeback by devoting its time to worship of Marcus Mariota. “We’re neither affirming nor denying the existence of God, and we definitely don’t need Jesus,” AHA! President Bryan Weiser said, “but we sure as hell need Marcus Mariota to have a good time in life.”