Eugene, OR — Adding to an exponentially growing list of controversies, reports recently surfaced about two athletes from the Oregon Ducks men’s basketball team being caught in their late afternoon shoplifting at the Market of Choice on Franklin Boulevard. The athletes, Jalil Abdul-Bassit and Elgin Cook, defended the incident as a plan to compete with the Oregon Ducks football team for the worst attention.
“Losing to Arizona was intentional,” Cook explained about the Ducks football team’s loss to Arizona last Thursday. “It’s like they tryna get more shit than us. Well, we not gon’ let that happen. We gon’ shoplift like mothafuckas until they get their shit together and win like they ‘sposed to.”
“Yeah, as soon as they [Ducks football] lost, it’s like people just forgot about our sex scandal and were more sad that they were no longer undefeated,” Abdul-Bassit added. “So this shoplifting is putting us back on the map, but I don’t know if it gon’ last. I heard they got hit in the head too many times to even understand their sexual harassment training, so you gotta think there’s gon’ be some shit goin’ on there soon.”
Head basketball coach Dana Altman neither confirmed nor denied the two athlete’s shoplifting explanations, but did confirm they “should be able to help me get some things from Safeway after practice.”