Eugene, OR — After smoking copious amounts of phencyclidine, having a panic attack and an upwelling of anger that resulted in his eating another local man and biting his own arm off, a local man was thrilled to realize that October 31 is Halloween and that this kind of behavior will hardly even be frowned upon today.
The local man, who is soaked in blood, dragging his arm behind him in a plastic bag, and growling at passerbys on the street while violently flipping his head around in a typical PCP reflux, commented on his luck.
“I was freaking out when I started to regain consciousness,” he said. “I was trying to think of a way I could make my situation seem less sketchy, but then I passed like three guys who looked similar to me, and they just looked at me and said, ‘Dude, he knows what the fuck’s up.’ So I guess I can do whatever I want. I just consumed a bunch of bath salts, and no one will know I’m carrying a bag of real human organs. Everyone will just think I’m a hard-working man who’s letting his hair down and showing his darker for a couple hours once a year!”
After the interview, the man was seen indulging in a bag of gooey human eyeballs on Alder Street. A group of fraternity brothers complimented him on his dedication to his cosplay craft.
Later in the evening, parents called the Eugene Police Department claiming their children were acting strange after eating gummy eyeballs they received from a man in a zombie costume sitting on a dumpster in an alleyway. One mother says her son was running around the house screaming, “I HAVE THE CRAVING! I HAVE THE CRAVING!”