Let Me Tell You Why You’re A Disgrace To College

NAO. STAHP.

NAO. STAHP.

It has been brought to my attention that some people actually think college is either for studying and working hard so they can get a job, or for chilling and joining clubs to rediscover yourself. The sick bastards on the side of working hard will tell you sick lies like “GPA matters” and “I am so happy to be a part of such an intellectual student body as UO”; and the unambitious shits on the side of chilling will tell mundane things like “check out the food,” “join clubs,” and “lets just try making a porno and see how we like it.” Both sides are dead WRONG, and they’re even worse in that they tell you what to think as if you can’t think for yourself. So shut up with your internal dialogue and listen to me. You’re A DISGRACE TO COLLEGE.

This isn’t Kindergarten, people. THIS. IS. COLLEGE. It’s time to flip over a car or ten, jump off a roof into a crowd of freshmen, fight a bouncer, play chicken in stolen golf carts, flip off your teacher in the middle of a test, streak in broad daylight, get some bodily fluids on your friend’s bed, become an Art major, and even stand up and burp very loudly at a fancy restaurant you can’t afford to go to.

I’m not saying you should do this for the sake of anarchy or some academic bullshit like that. Rather, it is for the sake of preserving human nature. Research from the University of F*** You Science has recently discovered that going to college to get grades is just what society wants you to do in order to control your behaviors and turn you into a mindless workaholic who never makes a name for themself; or a crazy cat person who doesn’t know the difference between cat food and cocoa puffs.

The great Jack Offen, some random jobless senior at the University of Oregon, said, “I thought I knew what I was doing until I saw this research. It all makes sense now, why I’m forced to spend thousands of dollars on books I’ll only read like a puppet in front of my teacher.” Jack is now an avid streaker who wakes up at dawn every day and streaks for 12 hours straight while only taking breaks to piss on police cars of slow policeman and relentlessly throw pinecones at professors just getting in or out of their cars. He now has three viral videos. What an inspiration. 

Don’t settle for boring walks to class when you could be flashing incoming freshmen and cussing out the toughest players on the football team. This has been shown to release stress from the body and has only lead to extreme injury from external forces 100 percent of the time. Live a little, and turn the phrase “college adult” into an oxymoron. Then, and only then — well, you’ll still be doing college wrong, but at least you’ll be doing it wrong in all the right ways.