Eugene, OR — As of last Friday, I can proudly say that I have dropped a deuce in every restroom on campus. My friends have given me the nickname Scat Superior, but I would go as far as to say that I am the leading poop expert at this university. While I have casually met many like me throughout my journey, I have yet to be stall buddies with the same person twice. Shit, I am an expert on shit.
But with great poop comes great responsibility, so this is my list of top 5 places to poop.
5. LLC South First Floor & GSH Café Family
An unexpected tie starts off the list. These two restrooms are difficult to choose between because they smell nice, have clean colored tile covering the walls, and, most importantly, are typically vacant. This allows me to relieve myself in isolation, something students at other universities only dream of.
When trying to pick a favorite between the two, I considered the fact that the LLC was closer to the center of campus, thus decreasing the odds of anything happening on my way to the toilet. But the GSH family restroom is extremely spacious, and it is satisfying to shit at a place where many Honors College kids eat.
4. Johnson Hall Basement
The elegance and ambiance of this shithole cannot be overstated. The seat of the throne is made of smoothed lumber and is supported by a beautiful golden hinge. The walls of marble make you feel like royalty. And these glorious features overshadow the fact that this restroom reminds me of my two greatest fears: pooping underground and president Gottfredson.
3. Deady Hall Room 305
The pew with a view, as some call it, is located on the top floor of Deady. The trek up the staircase has proven too arduous for many, but I promise you will find happiness the moment you finally sit on that crapper. After a long day of studying, there is nothing quite like pooping while watching the sunset. I have even heard from unnamed administrators that this restroom is the sole reason why the old hall is still standing. The fact that this restroom allows only men proves that segregation is still alive and kicking.
2. Jaqua Center 1st Floor
From the opaque glass walls to the Dyson touchless hand dryers, this place is the gold standard of porcelain poopers. The only reason this place didn’t take first place is that the Jaqua center has athlete-only restrooms upstairs, and we Daily Jaders don’t appreciate such discrimination. The number one place to poop does not discriminate against anyone.
1. Jaqua Center Pond
While pooping here is highly frowned upon, that is what makes the experience so special. I will never forget the morning I first crapped here. It was just before sunrise on a cold Friday in early February. Before graduation, I demand that each of you squat at this fountain of feces at least once.
Honorable Mention: Integrative Science Building Rooms 321 & 322
A restroom whose stall comes complete with shower will always hold a special place in my heart.
Soon I will be completing a “Tour de Urinal” – my list of the worst places to pee on campus. Stay tuned.