Eugene, OR — Looking for a legitimate excuse to miss your upcoming midterm? Trying to find a unique way to let your special someone know it’s just not working out? Attempting to get revenge on your roommate by offering a Trojan horse? We’ve got you covered with the five best shittiest near-campus food establishments that will have someone running for the nearest bathroom quicker than listening to the latest Justin Bieber…uh, I guess you could say song? Is that really the word? Sounds more like a pre-teen trying to seduce a woman by attempting to make orgasm sounds over and over.
5. Excelsior Café (754 East 13th Avenue)
This little inn has lovely upstairs hotel rooms that are perfect for porking your significant other over the screams of the quaint downstairs café’s customers who are racing for the nearest bathroom. The café, boasting a 79 by the health inspector, offers delicious options such as undated meats and a cooked bean soup well past the expiration date. Don’t worry, though—you get the pleasure of witnessing joyful employees having drinks in the kitchen while prepping your food so you have that Cheers thing going on.
In fact, Excelsior is a great Trojan Horse for you to take your folks to get back at your parents on Parents Weekend for crashing at your place over Halloween weekend, preventing you from going out, getting super hammered, and finding a slutty cheerleader, slutty cop, or some other girl with clear daddy issues and bringing her back to your place for a night cap (I BOUGHT THAT AUSTIN POWERS COSTUME FOR NOTHING I TELL YA).
4. Wild Duck Café (1419 Villard Street)
In our only selection outside of the West University neighborhood, this café holds it down for the East University in which, let’s face it, you only wander when your in-town mom drags you to Hirons, or when you need to get some cheap, fancy booze from Market Of Choice. With a 76 score, it is a great place to grab a bite when you’re that special kind of drunk that wants to go to someplace seemingly fancier than Little Big Burger but still don’t care for your health and well-being. You know, the kind of drunk you are after a UO women’s basketball game, failing to realize why you decided to even watch women’s basketball, and then experimenting with whether you’re a sadist or not.
3. Noodle Head (880 East 13th Avenue)
There’s no surprise this place makes our list. With its being the neighbor of the frattiest bar at UO, a shitty attempt at an outdoor elevator (as if that would get people to the nearest bathroom any faster), and a hilarious rating of 69 that also is our first to warrant a failed inspection (no joke), this place is, dare I say, a shithole.
It also doesn’t help that above Noodle Head are the most unknown rooms anywhere near the university. Seriously, what the hell is behind those tall and slim windows? Is it a sweatshop? Is it Puddle’s secret sex dungeon where he takes cheerleaders after sporting events to “have some fun” while shitting uncontrollably from the smell of Noodle Head’s cuisine? Is it where KWVA is located? Nobody knows. But what people do know by now – and this is confirmed by wandering Taylor’s bar tenders – is that there is a substance suspiciously close to pee in the chicken noodle soup.
2. Korea House (1306 Hilyard Street)
If you want to live on the edge and potentially ruin your colon quicker than alcohol ever could, you have this option, which somehow scored one below Noodle House: a less-funny 68. We went looking for Korea House, but since there are four Asian-style restaurants within eyesight of each other and I’m white, I could not distinguish them from each other. After consulting with my friend who goes to UCLA, I eventually found Korea House and thus unfriended him for helping me find such a shitty place.
Considering Tasty Thai is right next-door, I have no idea why this place exists. If you are from the east coast or have a sick obsession over Chip Kelly, don’t be fooled into ordering the Philadelphia Roll. You might think sushi mixed with a cheesesteak is a great idea, but in reality, you might as well stab yourself in the liver so it dies a quick and painless death rather than the torture it will endure thanks to that monstrosity.
1. Teriyaki Boy (844 East 13th Street)
Simply put, the existence of Teriyaki Boy means that hell actually exists on Earth. This pathetic excuse for an Asian restaurant makes Noodle Head and Korea House combined sound good. You can tell a restaurant is bad when it can’t even attract people drunk out of their mind from stepping through their doors to grab a bite to eat. Hey, McDonald’s, imagine the potential of a 24-hour restaurant in this location.
Hell, even though they sell the same type of food as their neighbor, let me cry out what every college student wants to see happen to the surrounding area of the UO campus: HEY TACO BELL, THE UNIVERSITY OF OREGON STUDENT BODY WANTS YOU TO PUT A RESTAURANT NEXT TO OUR CAMPUS. WE DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO KEEP DRIVING OUT TO WHITEAKER TO EAT YOUR DELICIOUS AND CHEAP-ASS FOOD. IF YOU WANT DRIVE-THRU, TAKE OVER CAMPUS CHICKEN SHACK. THE FRESHMEN OF THE DORMS WILL THANK YOU WITH DROVES OF WALK-UP BUSINESS.
So yeah, Teriyaki Boy, go to Hell and stuff…