Eugene, OR – Suan Gomez, a freshman and recent pledge of the Chi-Rho fraternity, was refused service by a University Dining employee at 1:06 a.m. last Saturday morning after wolfing down his twelfth cheesy griller. Under the influence a dangerous amount of extra-sharp cheddar jack and severely impaired by an overload of casein proteins, Gomez became belligerent when the Common Grounds cashier, Cindy Lou, refused him service. After the confrontation, during which several other employees defended Lou’s right to refuse cheesy griller service, an incensed Gomez hastily stumbled out of common grounds in a cheesy haze.
Later that evening, Gomez was found blacked out in the Infinity Pool of the Jacqua Academic Centre as a result of what turned out to be a serious case of sharp-cheddar poisoning. Gomez was later transferred to the hospital by medical first-responders.
Gomez’s Blood-Dairy Content (BDC) was measured at 1.4, a number that exceeds the state of Oregon’s legal BDC limit of 0. When asked about Gomez’s condition, medical first-responders on the scene responded gravely, “There should not be whole bits of cheese in your circulatory system. Ever.”
At the time of reporting, medical professionals were largely concerned for Gomez’s welfare. Chief of Medicine at Eugene City Hospital, Lance Vancese, commented on the severity of Gomez’s condition, “Never in all of years have seen such a severe case of inebriation,” Vancese lamented. “The amount of pasteurized dairy product that he consumed was enough to sedate a small African Elephant.”
Despite such a negative condition, Vancese confirmed that the hospital would be able to restore Vancese to full health in a few days, but that “the hospital and ambulance bill will make him wish he had been 2 cheesy grillers safer.”
A similar incident occurred early Friday evening when Lee Van-Cleef, a Burritista at Big Mouth Burritos, sensed that something was awry when another freshman, Sergio Leone, came through the Big Mouth line for the 6th time that evening.
“The first three times, I thought I recognized him from earlier. It wasn’t until he ordered the 4th set of burritos that I thought something was afoot,” Van-Cleef reported. The evening ended when Leone challenged Van-Cleef to a duel at high noon the following day, with the winner walking away with a fistful of burritos.