Dallas, TX – In a conjoined effort stemming from just after World War I, Congress and the NCAA has finally succeeded in forcing all southern states and southern Oregon to disassociate themselves from the United States.
The secession began with the 11 states in the South Eastern Conference (SEC) and recently expanded to include North Carolina, Virginia, West Virginia, and southern Oregon.
“It took rigorous planning and lot of cooperation from coaches, but now there is no South Eastern Conference (SEC) in the college football finals, and the citizens from the South finally want nothing to do with America,” congressman Steny Hoyer said, addressing the 35 and a half loyal, patriotic states of the USA.
“We’ve been trying to get rid of Florida for decades,” NCAA Commissioner Mark Emmert commented. “Good thing we stood our ground. And the Oregon Ducks really showed that Florida is full of sore losers, which makes it even easier for us to put a stake into the sick, decrepit heart that is the South.”
The southern states are seceding while the spotlight is on the championship game between the Oregon Ducks and the Ohio State Buckeyes. In fact, the conclusion of the CFB Championship will represent the last time that ISIS (the Intentionally Seceded Independent South) will accept residents of the new Confederacy (the remaining United States, as President Barack Obama explained, “’Confederacy’ was always a cooler name than ‘Union’”).
Sources on social media have expressed virtually no emotion, as they are preparing to watch the championship game. However, older generations who claim to have had grandparents from the Civil War era have emailed the Daily Jade to express bewilderment that the secession was accomplished with minimal brutality and no casualties.
“And let that be a reminder to you pussies who think football is a blood sport,” Emmert said to no one, as everyone who would concern themselves with football and the South were glued to their TV screens to listen to the pre-game banter and warmups, licking their lips in the hopes that the blood of the opposing players would fly out onto their television screens. “It has given this Confederacy an honorable chance to off the section of the country that once viciously supported the infringement of humanity’s most basic freedoms.”
Sources conclude that, coming in March, they bet welfare on the outcomes of the March Madness Tournament.