If you think we’re in a post-racial society, then check your privilege at the nearest Starbucks. And I’ll tell you what you’ll see while there: White snowmen. Only WHITE snowmen. Only white snowMEN. Only HETEROSEXUAL white snowmen. Black, brown, yellow, red, neon, women, gays, transsexuals, cissys, neutrals, sheep—you won’t find any of those races represented in the form of sweets at Starbucks.
I’ve come to terms with this overt form of racism. Our society can only evolve so fast. However – and I’m sorry if this phrasing offends you, gay people – I have to draw a super straight line when I actually see society devolve. How do I know that it has? Because it is mocking Canadians by selling outlandish – I would even say racist – depictions of them in the form of snowmen cookies.
Look at the picture of the blatant Canadian snowman cookie I bought at Starbucks a couple of days ago. Now look at the picture of Ike from South Park. Ike is Canadian, and the snowman looks JUST LIKE HIM. Coincidence? Not in our racist post-post-racial society. Just look at the snowman’s head—it’s completely removed from its body, just like Canadians’ heads are, as we can see with Ike! I can logically use Ike as a representative of all Canadians because all Canadians look the same. Trust me, I have Canadian friends, and they have my back on this one.
God, I can’t even begin to think about the magnitude of their feels when they walk into Starbucks and see a snowman cookie whose head is broken off from its body as an obvious, offensive attempt to depict a Canadian. I haven’t seen imagery this sickening since Voodoo Donuts (why is the huge Cock N’ Balls only BLACK, hmm??, Voodoo??!).
I can’t just stand by and do nothing. I will make Starbucks realize how much of a cookie monster it is by walking up to the distributors of the Canadian snowmen cookies and talking to them in a fast-paced, bobble-head, mundanely polite manner – like every self-respecting Canadian would – until they realize the error in their ways and kick their higher-ups in their inferior-sized dicks. (Yes, of course they’re men—only a man would do something this morally repugnant.)
EVERYONE, please join me in this progressive, non-confrontational passive-aggressive form of protest so we can show our advocacy for a necessary, mature reversion to moral decency.