Helfrich Disciplines Team For Not Entirely Participating In “No Means No” Chant

Helfrich yells at Oregon Ducks players for not chanting "No Means No." (Graphic prepared by Yoda Mass.)

Helfrich yells at Oregon Ducks players for not chanting “No Means No.” (Graphic prepared by Yoda Mass.)

Pasadena, CA – According to reports following the Oregon Ducks celebration from their victory against the Florida State Seminoles at the Rose Bowl yesterday, Oregon Ducks head coach Mark Helfrich commented that he will discipline the entire team for not wholesomely participating in the “No Means No” chant, which several players enacted to the tune of Florida State Seminoles’ tomahawk chant to mock Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston for sexual assault allegations against him. 

“Our program is not about half-assing participation,” Helfrich said about the chanting. “This is a goddamn team effort! From everyone! Even the water boy. We always knew he was a wuss, but c’mon!”

Helfrich, who later mumbled that the Oregon Ducks “can take a hit on the field for the same reason they can’t take a hit from the media: they have no balls,” commented that he would discipline the team for its timidity in supporting the serious issue of sexual consent.

“When it comes to things like this, I’m not giving the team a choice,” Helfrich said. “They’re going to fucking do it, and they’re going to like it.”

Helfrich elaborated that if the team gets ridicule from the media or spectators, he could write the chant off as intending to convey the idea, “No, you didn’t beat us, Florida—no means no! It’s that simple!”

Helfrich declined to comment on how he would discipline the team for its incomplete participation, although assistant head coach Steve Greatwood hypothesized that Helfrich would simply target Ducks quarterback Marcus Mariota in the hopes that the rest of the team would follow his lead.

“If we had gotten Mariota to start this chant, everyone would be down on their knees, religiously singing ‘no means no’ with him,” Greatwood said. “We’d probably even get Oregon’s basketball team to join us!”