Eugene, OR – Free stuff worth millions of dollars collectively was distributed at the campus “flock” party last Friday, and sources report that many freshmen have banded together to “screw the distributors over.”
Jessie Johnson, a representative of the Runa energy drink company, tried handing out its drinks for free, only to see the freshmen reselling them for profit to the local energy drink lord of Eugene.
“We never saw it coming,” Johnson said. “We just wanted to like help them out – not have them build an empire and tear this city apart from profiting on the stuff we gave them.”
Freshmen didn’t just take advantage of energy drinks. After receiving 10,000 slices of pizza, they were opened their own pizza chain called Suck it Oregon. The restaurant is scheduled to open tomorrow and sell for $20 per slice and $100 per pie. The restaurant’s leader and CEO, Marcus Mariota, ensures that freshmen will be walking around at the football stadium to sell the pizzas, and predicts he and the freshmen will buy out the university within a month and change the name to University of Suck It Oregon.
It wasn’t long before The Oregon Duck got involved by setting up a stand and rolling in the cash from the low-quality college student revitalizers.
“We are powerless. Completely, utterly powerless,” Interim President Scott Coltrane said. “Next time we’ll accept a more underachieving class of freshmen.”