Exclusive: The Only 3 Tips Freshmen Will Ever Need To Thrive In College

These wise tips are often completely overlooked.

These wise tips are often completely overlooked. (Graphic prepared by Yoda Mass.)

1. Clean Up Your Figurative & Literal Shit

Next time you’re at a party and getting “turnt up,” don’t rely on your loser friends to pick up after you. You’re not Paris Hilton. You’re not living in a mansion anymore. There have been way too many times when I have awoken to find dumps sitting in the middle of multiple lawns throughout campus, and I couldn’t yell at any freshmen because they were too hungover to pick them up. YOU HAVE ONE JOB: CLEAN UP YOUR SHIT.

Also, when walking around campus, don’t throw your clothes on the ground after a temper tantrum of spilled coffee. Now there aren’t just helpless ants getting killed by boiling hot and delicious coffee, but shirts, socks, underwear and condoms are starting to spread throughout campus. Next thing you know there will be Eugenians pulling off that coveted “basic bitch” look and attending classes with us. I quote the most basic bitch of all time: “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”

 

2. Eat Anything And Everything

One of my proudest college moments was devouring half a pizza I found on the ground. This dumbshit and his brother decided to leave this hot mess on the ground while they climbed the freaking crane right by the EMU. It’s college – don’t be ashamed to eat out of dumpsters and off the plate of your friends and foes when they least expect it. It builds character and makes you tougher than a diamond in an ice storm. Yeah, you may end up with diarrhea, a disfigured face or end up with a disease that gives you leprosy, but YOCO (You Only College Once – yeah, that’s still a thing)! Just make sure this step doesn’t bring you an emergency that makes you come full-circle to shitting on the lawn. 

 

3. Make Pregnancy Happen ASAP

All right, I know what you’re all thinking – “why the hell would I do that?!” Well, if you’re a sexy, irresponsible parent who is responsible for a kid, not only will you get permanent child support from your parents, your kid’s mother’s parents, the Women Studies department, and the state of Oregon, but you’ll know whether you’re actually capable of making babies or not! If you’re sterile, you can have all the pleasurable unprotected sex you want, and if not, then stuff a pregnancy pill up your man’s dick. 

Anyway, after you receive all that money for child support, you can then spend it on steak dinners, funding your marijuana campaign, and buying VIP passes to Ducks football games. Trust me, it works. If you’re a person capable of actually giving birth, then you’ll get free food and free access to any parties you want to go to. All you have to say are the magical words of “let me in, you fucker, I’m pregnant,” or “if you don’t give me free food and feed this baby in me, you’re a baby killer.” No one wants to be a goddamn baby killer.

So cheer up, freshman, and get ready for the best year of your life so far.