Eugene, OR – The University of Oregon Board of Trustees and ASUO both voted in the majority yesterday for changing the name of the Erb Memorial Union to Herb Memorial Union to support the long-awaited legalization of marijuana in Oregon. The name will be officially changed on the day recreational possession of marijuana becomes legal—July 1, 2015.
“Marijuana has always been the heart of our campus,” Board of Trustees member Carolyn Kilte said. “I don’t even know who Erb is.”
“This is a necessary change that we’ve been eager to initiate since the creation of this building in 19…I want to say 50? 1950. Or 60-ish. I don’t know, man, I’m so high right now,” ASUO Senate member Jedidiah Alto said.
Both organizations have confirmed the name change’s monumental success. Funding to the HMU has skyrocketed by 73%, approval of the HMU’s reconstruction has increased by 90%, construction efficiency has increased threefold, and interest in applying to University of Oregon has nearly doubled—though some speculate this may just be in part to the legalization of marijuana rather than the name change.
“I want to become a super senior just to see this happen, man,” said senior Hunter Filfizon, who has taken out an entire year’s worth of student loans in order to donate $32,000 to the university for its HMU construction. “It’s so chill that they finally changed the name of the building. Now I’m just hoping they construct it to look like a weed leaf. It already looks like a labyrinth, so it shouldn’t be too hard.”
Crane operator for the HMU’s construction, Ray McArthur, claims to be working 9 hours overtime each day in order to finish the HMU’s construction on the day recreational possession of marijuana and the name change are activated.
“Being high has never made me more motivated,” McArthur said, gazing at the HMU for the next five minutes and then suddenly asking where his Cheetos went.
Contrary to statistical expectations, the average GPA of University of Oregon applicants increased by half a point along with the doubling of the number of applicants.
“Erb would be so proud of what this university has accomplished, and what it will continue to accomplish,” UO interim president Scott Coltrane said. “And I’ll be damned if we don’t create a place in the HMU to light up in celebration.”