Anaheim, CA – Scientists shockingly discovered this afternoon that the outbreak of measles at the “happiest place on Earth” is linked to beloved Walt Disney creation and Disney icon Mickey Mouse. Statements from Disney officials report Mickey became a carrier to the disease after being exposed to his unvaccinated lover, Minnie Mouse.
“I’m glad we’re exposing Mickey Mouse for the rat he is,” one upset father of a one-year-old who contracted the measles before the New Year commented. “It’s probably because he and his tramp, Minnie, were raised on the streets in Downtown Disney.”
“Mickey should immediately be removed from the park,” concerned mother of a 21-year-old child-at-heart, who had such a sheltered life that he never required vaccinations. “Kids like my poor, innocent 21-year-old son can’t help but hug Mickey at the corner of Tomorrow Land, no matter how often I repeat that he’s a diseased, deceitful symbol of an uncaring corporation.”
Dr. Jennifer Lighter Fisher, a pediatric infectious disease specialist at the NYU Langone Medical Center, does not believe the measles outbreak was the result of Mickey receiving insufficient care from Disney, but rather from being exposed to Walt Disney’s powerful imagination, which has known to make that which we could only imagine come true—including the return of a seemingly eradicated, third-world disease.
“There’s no cure for this wild imagination,” Fisher said. “All the kids are going to get it. We can treat it with all the overbearing parents we want, but at the end of the day, it only does so much.”
Disney declined to comment on whether they will take action against Mickey and Minnie Mouse, although the representative at the press release mentioned in passing, “He [Mickey] is a 96-year-old mouse; of course he’s riddled with death and despair.”
Frightened of being crowded by noisy, bickering parents and zombie-like, ill children, both Super Bowl teams – the Patriots and Seahawks – announced that they will not be going to Disneyland if they win. Akin to average typical high-income families, many of them have not vaccinated their children, preferring to rely on poorer families to provide herd-immunity.