Eugene, OR – Feeling a strong urge to uphold the state of Oregon’s long, progressive tradition of supporting environmental conscientiousness, sophomore Craig Gregorson decided to preserve his deteriorating cognitive environment by self-plagiarizing an essay for his Cinema class, which he deemed “the best decision anyone can make in college.”
“I was so polluted with the toxins of my bullshit that if I had continued writing original essays, my mind would be in an environmentally critical state like the Earth from the existence of stupid Republicans,” Gregorson said.
Gregorson, who is finally back in the safe green zone of mental environmental stability, had not recycled an essay since sophomore year of high school, as he did not want to receive detrimental grades that would bar his access to prestigious, environmental activist universities such as the University of Oregon.
“Middle school and freshman year of high school was all about recycling essays and every homework assignment possible,” Gregorson said. “But I stopped doing that starting sophomore year so I could take college and shit seriously…until senior year, when I realized everyone was recycling their essays for college apps, and I’m like, ‘Huh, maybe I should get back into this.’”
Gregorson abstained from recycling essays his freshman year of college due to the emphasis of even harsher punishment for self-plagiarism, but ultimately reverted to not only recycling, but reducing and reusing his essays, as “it was simply the right thing to do.” Gregorson says the essay he is currently working on is “the best, most well-thought-out essay I’ve ever written in the last four years.”
With financial help from the ASUO and Envision Magazine, Gregorson also plans on establishing a mental environmentalist club for students and faculty who are sensitive to the issues of mental preservation. Thus far, professors and counselors are the most outspokenly positive recipients of the club.
“I would definitely join this club,” tenured Literature professor Carson Curson said. “‘If we are not decent enough to reproduce exceptional ideas in an acceptable environment, then we are exceptionally unable to produce acceptable ideas in the first place.’ I wrote that in my master’s thesis. I #rekt it, didn’t I?”
“I support anything that will get these kids to shut the fuck up about their academic anxiety,” UO counselor Terri Torrent said.
Cinema professor Kelsey Reel – for whom Gregorson is writing the beautifully crafted redundant essay – reportedly wishes to join the club as well and film a documentary of Gregorson’s ambitious club activities.