Kansas City, KS — The nation’s sports enthusiasts are in shock this week upon hearing the news that collegiate football coaches all over the country decided to go on strike in response to their football athletes being permitted to use their money as padding. The specifics of their grievances may differ from region to region, but the crux remains the same: they all demand to be paid more appropriately.
“We won’t put up with how little we [football coaches] earn now,” Ulrich Dongel, head coach of Yvan Derrick Institute of Central Kansas, said in a phone interview. “Think about just how much we do for our universities: We bring in publicity and… uh…” The call was abruptly disconnected afterwards.
Coaches across the United States have echoed Dongel’s statements, including University of North Virginia coach Chad Brickface.
“It’s simple. We give our players tights, tell them to run into each other while fighting over a misshapen ball for meaningless numbers on a scoreboard to determine the glory of our institutions, and teach them about positive conditioning by rewarding them with scholarships for their valor. And now it’s just okay for them to use our money for padding and still be expected to purchase private jet planes? We’re not getting paid enough for this shit. Hell, even a Nobel Peace Prize might not be enough.”
Many striking coaches elaborated on the damage done to their luxurious personal lives as a result of their athletes using their money as padding and not receiving more money because of it.
“My wife and I have starting looking for a nice place to raise a family, and it’s so difficult to find one in our price range because of our athletes using up a good chunk of my funds,” Marvin Flattop, coach at Southern Yale College, said. “Have you ever tried finding an affordable castle in a good neighborhood that isn’t haunted? I can’t explain how frustrated I am with all this. Of course, that might be because I flunked seventh grade English, but it’s just horrible. We’ve had to make some tough decisions in order to afford our dream home. I sold two of my six yachts and decided that our kicker wasn’t worth having money padding. How messed up is that?”
Brickface had similar remarks. “Some professors get $126,981 per year, and that’s more than what we end up with since we have to use our money on our athletes safety and on our deserted tropical paradise islands in Guatemala. How much money do the teachers give their students? NONE. And the students are going to grow up thinking that’s juuust fine. Clearly, we teach the better principles. We need the money, not them.”
In a statement released by the Totally Real Association of Overpaid Sports People, the participating coaches said they won’t stop striking until they are given a “more reasonable salary… of four hundred million billion dollars a year.”
The National Union of Collegiate Presidents is reportedly working on issuing a statement with the response, “Yeah, sure, whatever.”