Collegiate Football Athletes To Use Coaches’ Money As Padding

Many top-ranked football university athletes find themselves 20% less likely to face an injury with the new money padding system. (Graphic prepared by Yoda Mass.)

Many top-ranked football university athletes find themselves 20% less likely of experiencing an injury with the new money padding system. (Graphic prepared by Yoda Mass.)

Kansas City, KS — The National College Athletic Association (NCAA) announced this morning that it now permits collegiate football athletes to use their coaches’ money as padding, citing the main reason that there seems to be more of football coaches’ money than traditional padding.

“It’s a lot more efficient; instead of paying for all sorts of artificial padding, we can simply use the copious amounts of money coaches have and get the job done just as well, if not better,” former NCAA President Walter Byers said.

Byers stated that, according to statistics gathered by ESPN, the frequency of injuries has fallen by 20% amongst players at top-ranked football universities such as Florida State, Mississippi State, Notre Dame, University of Alabama, and University of Oregon.

“Using the money as padding is actually saving teams a whole lot of money. They don’t have to spend nearly as much on injuries,” current NCAA President Mark Emmert said.

However, Emmert confessed that lower-ranked football university coaches are complaining that they are suffering economically from this new system and plan to go on strike because of it.

“The 1% keeps on getting stronger,” Georgia State head coach Trent Miles said. “I’m paying through the nose for the players who will probably still end up breaking theirs. The money isn’t helping at all, probably because I don’t have too much of it to offer and my athletes think they can just get away with that. But I’m not going to stand for it. I’m going on strike. 99%, UNITE!”

“Well, I might not go on strike. I don’t have enough money to buy picket signs,” University of Massachusetts head coach Charley Molnar said. “But I am saving some money from the more responsible players on the team who don’t dive for throws and remind the quarterback not to accidentally throw wads of cash in place of the ball.”

“I’m just straight fucked,” said head coach of Akron University, the lowest ranked football university in the United States.

Meanwhile, social media has resorted to outrage over top-ranked football university coaches not having a sufficient amount of money to properly protect the athletes.

“If my Mariota is hit for anything less than half a million dollars protecting him, I’ll like kill someone with my t shirt cannon,” UO cheerleader Amanda Pflugrad tweeted yesterday. She then launched a viral movement: “#SaveMariota #Andtheotherguysiguess.”

UO head football coach Mark Helfrich assured fans in a press release this morning that “I have more than enough to keep these guys safe. Hell, I have so much that I’m thinking of listening to the men’s basketball team’s request to put some of my money in their pockets during games to protect themselves from charging.”