World

BREAKING: Gottfredson Unites Middle East

Jerusalem, IL — Survival-pending sources confirmed today that Supreme God of Nikea, Michael Gottfredson, successfully united a predominant portion of nations in the Middle East. Israeli President Reuven Rivlin reported that Gottfredson’s unity had a humble beginning, but escalated with monumental assistance from his apprentice and Vice Supreme God of Nikea, the British royal baby. “At…

BREAKING: Gottfredson Takes British Royal Baby Under Wing

London, UK — Pretentious sources confirmed tonight that UO President turned UO Athletic Department Vice President turned Nike CEO turned Supreme God of the new nation of Nikea, Michael Gottfredson, was invited to Buckingham Palace to babysit the royal baby—the offspring of Duchess and Duke of Cambridge Kate Middleton and William Louis, respectively. Prince of Wales and William’s father, Charles George, reported he was…

BREAKING: Gottfredson Initiates Merger Between Nike And North Korea

Pyongyang, KP — Perseverant sources confirmed this morning that UO President turned UO Athletic Department Vice President turned Nike CEO Michael Gottfredson initiated a merger between Nike and North Korea. The merger was approved by North Korea’s supreme leader, Kim Jong-Un, last Sunday, taking only one day to bring into fruition. Benefactors of the merger…

Deluded Founders Of New Spritz Speed-Reading App Somehow Convinced That Target Audience Still Reads

Barcelona, ES — Upon launching their new speed-reading app last week, the co-founders of Spritz confirmed their atrociously misguided, embarrassing delusion that its target audience still reads. “Yeah, I have no idea what those guys are thinking. We all gave up on that shit [reading] seven years ago,” junior English major Gary Page said. “There’s been…

Couple Close Enough To Become Single

Couple Close Enough to Be Single

Eugene, OR — Reminded of the rapidly approaching Valentine’s Day, one heterosexual couple noted that it is so inseparable, so close, that it should really be identified as single. The couple, junior Todd Grossling & sophomore Jenny Blawrence, started dating in fall 2012 and have been progressively conglomerating ever since. “I remember, like, I was…

2015 SAT, ACT & GRE To Include Physical Evaluation Section

2015 SAT, ACT, and GRE to Include Physical Evaluation Section

Princeton, NJ — The Educational Testing Service (ETS) and College Board announced yesterday that a Physical Evaluation Section will be added to the 2015 SAT, ACT, and GRE exams, in order to combat the low-percentage association (43% in 2012) of high-scoring standardized exams with college undergraduate and graduate success. The physical evaluation will be split…

UN Votes To Nuke Springfield; US Doesn’t Object

UN Votes to Nuke Springfield, Oregon; US Doesn't Object

New York City, NY — Citing the shocking growth of two of Springfield’s biggest problems, methamphetamines abuse and Mormonism, the United Nations voted unanimously to launch a nuclear attack on the city. “The UN has voted unanimously to launch a nuclear strike on the city of Syringe-field – uh, I mean Springfield,” Jesse Pinkwoman said…