World

Army Veteran Feeling Inferior To Peace-Bringing Might Of Marijuana Joint

Salt Lake City, UT – In response to yesterday’s nationwide honoring of veterans in the armed services, U.S. army veteran Channing Verbatum confessed to loved ones this afternoon that he feels his duties have been eclipsed by the peace-bringing fortitude of the marijuana joint. “I fought for the freedom of this country knowing that I…

Selling Old Calculators Now Leading Source Of Income For Liberal Arts Majors

Amherst, MA — Starving sources report that passion has not been paying the bills lately. Between expensive clothing taste, frequent concerts, and “just one more” tattoo, artsy students are looking for alternative ways to make money. When you’re not a business person and Instagram followers aren’t turning a profit, what do you do? Recent surveys conducted…

Study: Social Media Statuses Saying Everyone’s Voice Matters At High Risk Of Being Ignored By Everyone

Eugene, OR – A study released just in time for election season shows conclusive evidence that social media status updates ardently arguing for the significance of every person’s vote, or “voice,” is at an extraordinarily high risk of being disregarded by everyone scrolling through the news feed. Study leader and psychology professor Maria Montoya stated…

BREAKING: Satisfied With New World Order, Gottfredson Returns To UO Presidency

BREAKING: Satisfied With New World Order, Gottfredson Returns To UO Presidency

Eugene, OR — Eternally satanic sources confirmed today that Supreme God Of The World And Messiah Of The New World’s Holy Trinity, Michael Gottfredson, decided to reclaim his presidency at the University of Oregon.   “I united the world, brought peace to all nations, and showed everyone the true master of this planet,” Gottfredson said.…

BREAKING: Gottfredson Ousts Putin, Completes New World Order

Ukraine, EUR – Subservient sources confirmed today that Eastasian Supreme God Michael Gottfredson, his “Master” (who shall not be named), and the royal baby invaded Ukraine, Eurasia, to overthrow Eurasian Supreme God Vladimir Putin. “Michael, how could you do this to me?!” Putin said to the Gottfredson, Master, and the royal baby, who had just…

BREAKING: Gottfredson & Putin Oust Obama From United Superpowers

BREAKING: Gottfredson & Putin Oust Obama From United Superpowers

Ukraine, EUR – Surreptitious documenters from the world’s three superpowers confirmed today that Eastasian Supreme Leader Michael Gottfredson and Eurasian Supreme Leader Vladimir Putin joined forces to oust Oceanian Supreme Leader Barack Obama from his leadership. Gottfredson and Putin coerced Obama in Cuba, Oceania, with the entire Cuban military force, the Mexican drug cartel, Putin’s…

BREAKING: Gottfredson, Putin, & Obama Divvy World Into Eastasia, Eurasia, & Oceania

Gottfredson, Putin, & Obama

Israel, EA — Identity-challenged sources confirmed today that the plans discussed by Michael Gottfredson, Vladimir Putin, and Barack Obama for “a new and improved united nations” resulted in their divvying the world into three superpower nations: Eastasia, Eurasia, and Oceania, respectively. Agreeing that their combined power was greater than all other nations combined, the three…

Springfield Achieves Dream Of Purchasing Rights To The Simpson’s Springfield University

Springfield, OR — As FXX engulfs viewers in The Simpsons fever and gets them closer to being fired for missing work, the city of Springfield, Oregon, took advantage by announcing it had realized its citizens’ dream of purchasing the rights to The Simpson’s Springfield University to compete with neighboring University of Oregon. With the rights…