World

Bro At Rec Center Can’t Explain His Wearing Leggings On Arms/Chest Day

Gym Bro Can't Explain His Wearing Tights On Arms/Chest Day

Portland, OR — Despite today allegedly being a chest, shoulders, and arms day, marginally athletic sophomore Shad McTrowbridge was spotted “rocking” a pair of plaid Carolina blue Lycra leggings in the Student Recreation Center (SRC). “Yeah, we definitely did legs yesterday,” roommate Ryan Milligan confirmed as McTrowbridge swung a pair of heavy ropes in a…

Conscientious Student Recycles Essay To Preserve Mental Environment

Recycling To Preserve Mental Environment

Eugene, OR – Feeling a strong urge to uphold the state of Oregon’s long, progressive tradition of supporting environmental conscientiousness, sophomore Craig Gregorson decided to preserve his deteriorating cognitive environment by self-plagiarizing an essay for his Cinema class, which he deemed “the best decision anyone can make in college.” “I was so polluted with the…

Disneyland Measles Outbreak Linked To Carrier Mickey Mouse

Mickey has led to over 666 cases of the Measles in the United States.

Anaheim, CA – Scientists shockingly discovered this afternoon that the outbreak of measles at the “happiest place on Earth” is linked to beloved Walt Disney creation and Disney icon Mickey Mouse. Statements from Disney officials report Mickey became a carrier to the disease after being exposed to his unvaccinated lover, Minnie Mouse. “I’m glad we’re…

BREAKING: ISIS Leader Captured, Traced Back To Roomba Order On Amazon.com

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi thought his order was worth the risk. (Graphic prepared by Yoda Mass.)

Baghdad, IRQ — Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, leader of the Islamic State of Iraq & Syria (ISIS), was reportedly captured by the US military today. His location was determined after he ordered a Roomba, the robotic vacuum produced by iRobot, off Amazon.com. Government officials released a report this morning detailing the capture of al-Baghdadi. On Saturday,…

Black Student Union Relieved Spotlight Back On Muslims

BSU members support the community knowing that the controversial spotlight is comfortably back on Muslims.

Eugene, OR – Sources report that members of University of Oregon’s Black Student Union (BSU) unanimously expressed relief this morning in regards to mainstream media’s shift of attention from black people to Muslims. These feelings emerged from a discussion about Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, during which several members mentioned that, although they were eager to…

Apple Joins Forces With Sony To Invent Undetectable Anal Nano Computer

Apple and Sony's prototype of their undetectable, transrectal, "Smartass" technology.

Cupertino, CA – Sources report that Apple Inc. has been developing the future of unhackable computer hardware, and not even North Korea would suspect it is doing so by teaming up with Sony. The hardware, which sources say is a microchip-sized supercomputer inserted into the customer’s rectum via electromagnetic iron rod, much like a traditional suppository,…

Inaugural College Football Playoff Successfully Forces Southern States To Secede

States within the SEC conference were first to secede, followed by North Carolina, Virginia, West Virginia, and Southern Oregon. (Graphic by Yoda Mass.)

Dallas, TX – In a conjoined effort stemming from just after World War I, Congress and the NCAA has finally succeeded in forcing all southern states and southern Oregon to disassociate themselves from the United States. The secession began with the 11 states in the South Eastern Conference (SEC) and recently expanded to include North Carolina,…

Student Sleeps With Professor, Gets C+ In Class

Student Sleeps With Professor, Gets C+ In Class (2)

Charlottesville, VA – Shocking reports from the University of Virginia revealed that junior Kyle Schlafer engaged in sexual intercourse with his tenured Classic Literature professor, Diane Summons, last night at Schlafer’s apartment, and received a C+ in the class. “He was perfectly adequate,” Summons said about the sexual encounter. “He had some good points in…

Survey: Frat Bros Don’t Care About Their Frat Being Suspended If Bros Tend To Forget Leg Day

How Frat Bros Cope With Their Frat Being Suspended

Charlottesville, VA — Following a claim of sexual assault against seven men from a fraternity in 2012, the University of Virginia opted to suspend all fraternity activities. Although this suspension is only set to span until the end of winter break, many innocent fraternity members are suffering from having no more purpose. Therefore, Daily Jade collected responses from over 1,000 fraternity…