Jade News

Student Sleeps With Professor, Gets C+ In Class

Student Sleeps With Professor, Gets C+ In Class (2)

Charlottesville, VA – Shocking reports from the University of Virginia revealed that junior Kyle Schlafer engaged in sexual intercourse with his tenured Classic Literature professor, Diane Summons, last night at Schlafer’s apartment, and received a C+ in the class. “He was perfectly adequate,” Summons said about the sexual encounter. “He had some good points in…

Marcus Mariota Given Another Speeding Ticket For Rushing To Save Newborn Kittens, Ebola Patient

The heartbroken officer says Mariota even requested that he give him a ticket.

Eugene, OR — The University of Oregon’s star quarterback, Marcus Mariota, was caught speeding on Highway 126 to allegedly deliver a box of newborn kittens, as well as an Ebola patient in the backseat who was cuddling the kittens, prior to the game against Arizona last week. Eugene Police officer Josh Brooks, who pulled Mariota…

University To Send Holiday Card Of ‘Die-In’ To Eric Garner’s Family

University To Send Holiday Card Of 'Die-In' To Eric Garner's Family

Eugene, OR – Wishing to show support for the tragedy of Eric Garner’s death on July 17, 2014, university officials confirmed Sunday afternoon that it would send Garner’s family a holiday card featuring the “Die-In” demonstration at Lillis last Friday, during which hundreds of students took part in simulating death from suffocation. “We’re hoping to…

Students Starting To Organize Study Groups They Never Plan On Attending

Students point to a day that works for none of them.

Eugene, OR — With fall term finals approaching, many students are beginning to commit to several study groups with classmates that they will inevitably ditch. “I usually just smile and tell my groups, ‘I’m so down,’ and it’s really quite easy to back out after saying that,” junior business major Becky Munch said. Many students…

Presumptuous Professor Asks Students To Write Essay On What They Learned In Class

Presumptuous Professor Asks Class To Write Essay On What They Learned In Class

Eugene, OR – With the end of fall term approaching, one Journalism professor, who wishes to remain anonymous, reportedly asked her students to write a 500-word essay on what they learned in class, impudently assuming they had learned anything at all. “Wow, she really thinks she’s some hot shit,” front-row student and sophomore Katie Dougy said.…

Campus Tour Guide Can’t Believe Concerned Mother Under Impression UOAlert Matters

Eugene, OR – Upon nonchalantly informing a mother touring the UO campus with her son about UOAlert – a service that provides notifications for emergencies on or around campus – tour guide Susan Strite realized that the mother was actually taking UOAlert seriously. “I was showing them around the Matt Knight Arena and just remembered,…

Survey: Frat Bros Don’t Care About Their Frat Being Suspended If Bros Tend To Forget Leg Day

How Frat Bros Cope With Their Frat Being Suspended

Charlottesville, VA — Following a claim of sexual assault against seven men from a fraternity in 2012, the University of Virginia opted to suspend all fraternity activities. Although this suspension is only set to span until the end of winter break, many innocent fraternity members are suffering from having no more purpose. Therefore, Daily Jade collected responses from over 1,000 fraternity…