Jade News

BREAKING: ISIS Leader Captured, Traced Back To Roomba Order On Amazon.com

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi thought his order was worth the risk. (Graphic prepared by Yoda Mass.)

Baghdad, IRQ — Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, leader of the Islamic State of Iraq & Syria (ISIS), was reportedly captured by the US military today. His location was determined after he ordered a Roomba, the robotic vacuum produced by iRobot, off Amazon.com. Government officials released a report this morning detailing the capture of al-Baghdadi. On Saturday,…

Black Student Union Relieved Spotlight Back On Muslims

BSU members support the community knowing that the controversial spotlight is comfortably back on Muslims.

Eugene, OR – Sources report that members of University of Oregon’s Black Student Union (BSU) unanimously expressed relief this morning in regards to mainstream media’s shift of attention from black people to Muslims. These feelings emerged from a discussion about Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, during which several members mentioned that, although they were eager to…

Student A Cappella Groups Cursed To Sing For Eternity On Muted EMU Televisions

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Eugene, OR — In what appears to be an unfortunate cosmic tragedy, a pair of student a cappella performing groups have apparently been doomed to sing for eternity on muted televisions in the Erb Memorial Union (EMU). Freshman Abby Nusspunt, a marine biology major, first noticed their plight around Thanksgiving. “I was, like, wow, that…

Apple Joins Forces With Sony To Invent Undetectable Anal Nano Computer

Apple and Sony's prototype of their undetectable, transrectal, "Smartass" technology.

Cupertino, CA – Sources report that Apple Inc. has been developing the future of unhackable computer hardware, and not even North Korea would suspect it is doing so by teaming up with Sony. The hardware, which sources say is a microchip-sized supercomputer inserted into the customer’s rectum via electromagnetic iron rod, much like a traditional suppository,…

Inaugural College Football Playoff Successfully Forces Southern States To Secede

States within the SEC conference were first to secede, followed by North Carolina, Virginia, West Virginia, and Southern Oregon. (Graphic by Yoda Mass.)

Dallas, TX – In a conjoined effort stemming from just after World War I, Congress and the NCAA has finally succeeded in forcing all southern states and southern Oregon to disassociate themselves from the United States. The secession began with the 11 states in the South Eastern Conference (SEC) and recently expanded to include North Carolina,…

BREAKING: Holiday Spirit Savagely Murdered By Winter Term

Murdered Holiday Spirit

Eugene, OR — Bringer of cheer and friend to all, Holiday Spirit, was murdered early this morning, according to Lane County coroner’s records. Holiday Spirit was only 38 days old. Investigative reports show that notable thug Winter Term, along with accomplices who go by street names Syllabus and i<Clicker, forced their way into Holiday Spirit’s…

Boyfriend Amazed Girlfriend Somehow Knew Appropriate Times To Cheer During OSU vs. UO Basketball Game

Eugene, OR – Investigative reports confirmed girlfriend Vanessa Wilde miraculously cheered at appropriate times during this past Saturday’s basketball game against the Oregon State University Beavers. No. 3 guard Joseph Young successfully executed a three-point shot during the second half, and Wilde shouted cheerfully in cadence with the hundreds of other enthusiastic fans, wildly exalting…

Helfrich Disciplines Team For Not Entirely Participating In “No Means No” Chant

Helfrich yells at Oregon Ducks players for not chanting "No Means No." (Graphic prepared by Yoda Mass.)

Pasadena, CA – According to reports following the Oregon Ducks celebration from their victory against the Florida State Seminoles at the Rose Bowl yesterday, Oregon Ducks head coach Mark Helfrich commented that he will discipline the entire team for not wholesomely participating in the “No Means No” chant, which several players enacted to the tune…