Jade News

UN Votes To Nuke Springfield; US Doesn’t Object

UN Votes to Nuke Springfield, Oregon; US Doesn't Object

New York City, NY — Citing the shocking growth of two of Springfield’s biggest problems, methamphetamines abuse and Mormonism, the United Nations voted unanimously to launch a nuclear attack on the city. “The UN has voted unanimously to launch a nuclear strike on the city of Syringe-field – uh, I mean Springfield,” Jesse Pinkwoman said…

Russian Exchange Student Thought “Rushing” Was All About Russians

Eugene, OR — Hearing all about how students partake in “rushing” so they can eventually enjoy depraved brotherhood and drunken, zealous shouting of Greek letters to sound something like the Russian language, Russian exchange student Vladimir Didenko Illivish Ivanovich became a victim of the misunderstanding that rushing is exclusively for Russians. “It all started when…

Clark Honors College To Open Apparel Line To Remind Wider University They’re Better Than Them

Eugene, OR — The Robert D. Clark Honors College (CHC) announced that it will introduce an apparel line designed to further assert its superiority over students in the wider university. Officials have said that the site — which will sell items such as T-Shirts bearing slogans like “I Am A Platypus (And You’re Not)” and…

Drunk Sorority Girl Disagrees With Uoregon.edu Statistic That 99% of UO Males Are Gentlemen

Eugene, OR — In response to the statistic posted on uoregon.edu that 99% of guys at UO are gentlemen, Kaylee Lee, a member of Gamma Gamma Gamma Ray Sorority, responded, “That’s such bullshit! 99% of guys aren’t, like, genitalia! What is wrong with you? I mean, they’re total dicks, but not, like—woooh, another Lime-a-rita! Hit…

Proposed Sequel To The Shawshank Redemption To Be Shot In Bean Courtyard

Eugene, OR — The in-development sequel for The Shawshank Redemption is to be at least partially shot in Bean Hall and its surrounding courtyard, sources report. “We needed to find a place that accurately reflects the dire, hopeless atmosphere that we were going for,” said director Frank Darabont of the project, “and we found [Bean…