Sports

Study: UO Football Team Experiences Too Many Blows To Head To Endure Sexual Harassment Awareness Training

Eugene, OR — University officials shockingly confirmed this evening that the entire University of Oregon Ducks football team has experienced too many tackling and celebratory blows to the head to endure accurate comprehension of sexual harassment training speeches presented by convicted sex offender Adam Ritz. “It’s a bigger problem here at the U of O…

BJ Kelley And Arrion Springs Cited For Twitter Addiction, Out For Washington State Game

BJ Kelley And Arrion Springs Cited For Twitter Addiction, Out For Washington State Game

Eugene, OR — Following a string of late-night binges on the social media website Twitter, Oregon Duck football players Arrion Springs and BJ Kelley were cited for Twitter addiction and will out of the Oregon vs. Washington State football game in Pullman this coming Saturday. Kelley – apparently a wide receiver for the Ducks due…

UO Cheerleader Kills Boyfriend With T-Shirt Cannon At Oregon vs. Wyoming Football Game

Eugene, OR — In what was supposed to be a pleasant and enjoyable evening of watching the rape of Wyoming – also known as “Saturday morning Oregon Ducks football” – University of Oregon senior cheerleader Amanda Pflugrad shot her boyfriend, Dalton Kerrigan, in the student section with a high-power t-shirt cannon. The whole of Autzen…

BREAKING: Satisfied With New World Order, Gottfredson Returns To UO Presidency

BREAKING: Satisfied With New World Order, Gottfredson Returns To UO Presidency

Eugene, OR — Eternally satanic sources confirmed today that Supreme God Of The World And Messiah Of The New World’s Holy Trinity, Michael Gottfredson, decided to reclaim his presidency at the University of Oregon.   “I united the world, brought peace to all nations, and showed everyone the true master of this planet,” Gottfredson said.…

Seeking Recognition, UO Interim President Scott Coltrane Begs Hackers To Leak His Nude Photos

UO Interim President Scott Coltrane Begs Hackers To Steal His Nude Photos

Eugene, OR – Seeking attention that had been diverted to former UO President Michael Gottfredson’s new world order and to hackers leaking nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence, Scarlett Johanson, and Kirsten Dunst, UO Interim President Scott Coltrane pleaded to various hackers that they are free to steal his private nude photos. “It’s really good stuff,…

BREAKING: Gottfredson Accepts Promotion To Vice President Of UO Athletic Department

Eugene, OR – University of Oregon President Michael Gottfredson will resign from his presidency to accept a promotion to vice president of the University of Oregon Athletic Department. The position, which offers increased pay, benefits, and influence over university activities, was offered to him in the wake of his handling of a sexual assault investigation…