Sports

Inaugural College Football Playoff Successfully Forces Southern States To Secede

States within the SEC conference were first to secede, followed by North Carolina, Virginia, West Virginia, and Southern Oregon. (Graphic by Yoda Mass.)

Dallas, TX – In a conjoined effort stemming from just after World War I, Congress and the NCAA has finally succeeded in forcing all southern states and southern Oregon to disassociate themselves from the United States. The secession began with the 11 states in the South Eastern Conference (SEC) and recently expanded to include North Carolina,…

Boyfriend Amazed Girlfriend Somehow Knew Appropriate Times To Cheer During OSU vs. UO Basketball Game

Eugene, OR – Investigative reports confirmed girlfriend Vanessa Wilde miraculously cheered at appropriate times during this past Saturday’s basketball game against the Oregon State University Beavers. No. 3 guard Joseph Young successfully executed a three-point shot during the second half, and Wilde shouted cheerfully in cadence with the hundreds of other enthusiastic fans, wildly exalting…

Helfrich Disciplines Team For Not Entirely Participating In “No Means No” Chant

Helfrich yells at Oregon Ducks players for not chanting "No Means No." (Graphic prepared by Yoda Mass.)

Pasadena, CA – According to reports following the Oregon Ducks celebration from their victory against the Florida State Seminoles at the Rose Bowl yesterday, Oregon Ducks head coach Mark Helfrich commented that he will discipline the entire team for not wholesomely participating in the “No Means No” chant, which several players enacted to the tune…

Marcus Mariota Given Another Speeding Ticket For Rushing To Save Newborn Kittens, Ebola Patient

The heartbroken officer says Mariota even requested that he give him a ticket.

Eugene, OR — The University of Oregon’s star quarterback, Marcus Mariota, was caught speeding on Highway 126 to allegedly deliver a box of newborn kittens, as well as an Ebola patient in the backseat who was cuddling the kittens, prior to the game against Arizona last week. Eugene Police officer Josh Brooks, who pulled Mariota…

Northwest Christian University President Admits To Worshipping Marcus Mariota

Womack Worships Mariota

Eugene, OR – Shortly after the Oregon Ducks’ football game last Saturday – which marked what is possibly the last local college football game for Ducks quarterback Marcus Mariota – the president of Northwest Christian University (NCU), Joseph D. Womack, announced that his practice of religion extended to worshipping Mariota. “I need Marcus Mariota more…

Stanford Football Team Stays In Oregon To Take Advantage Of “Death With Dignity” Act

Stanford Football Team Stays In Oregon To Take Advantage Of “Die With Dignity” Act

Eugene, OR – Following the crushing defeat last Saturday that broke a two-game win streak against the Oregon Ducks, the Stanford Cardinal unanimously decided to stay in Oregon and benefit from the “Death With Dignity” act, which allows for assisted suicides to help those crushed with hopelessness. The whole team – including coaches, players, some…

Collegiate Football Athletes To Use Coaches’ Money As Padding

Many top-ranked football university athletes find themselves 20% less likely to face an injury with the new money padding system. (Graphic prepared by Yoda Mass.)

Kansas City, KS — The National College Athletic Association (NCAA) announced this morning that it now permits collegiate football athletes to use their coaches’ money as padding, citing the main reason that there seems to be more of football coaches’ money than traditional padding. “It’s a lot more efficient; instead of paying for all sorts…

Men’s Basketball Team Competes With Football Team For Worst Attention

Men’s Basketball Team Competes With Football Team For Worst Attention

Eugene, OR — Adding to an exponentially growing list of controversies, reports recently surfaced about two athletes from the Oregon Ducks men’s basketball team being caught in their late afternoon shoplifting at the Market of Choice on Franklin Boulevard. The athletes, Jalil Abdul-Bassit and Elgin Cook, defended the incident as a plan to compete with…