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Presumptuous Professor Asks Students To Write Essay On What They Learned In Class

Eugene, OR – With the end of fall term approaching, one Journalism professor, who wishes to remain anonymous, reportedly asked her students to write a 500-word essay on what they learned in class, impudently assuming they had learned anything at all. “Wow, she really thinks she’s some hot shit,” front-row student and sophomore Katie Dougy said.…

Campus Tour Guide Can’t Believe Concerned Mother Under Impression UOAlert Matters

Eugene, OR – Upon nonchalantly informing a mother touring the UO campus with her son about UOAlert – a service that provides notifications for emergencies on or around campus – tour guide Susan Strite realized that the mother was actually taking UOAlert seriously. “I was showing them around the Matt Knight Arena and just remembered,…

Northwest Christian University President Admits To Worshipping Marcus Mariota

Eugene, OR – Shortly after the Oregon Ducks’ football game last Saturday – which marked what is possibly the last local college football game for Ducks quarterback Marcus Mariota – the president of Northwest Christian University (NCU), Joseph D. Womack, announced that his practice of religion extended to worshipping Mariota. “I need Marcus Mariota more…

BREAKING: UOPD Officer Resuscitates Californian Suffocating From Overlayering

Eugene, OR – One hour ago, UOPD officer Carolyn McDermit saved freshman Chelsey Kalt from suffocation and immobility induced by wearing too many layers of clothing. McDermit was surprised to hear about suffocation from overlayering in the fall until she discovered the suffocator was Californian. “This happens a lot, but not usually during the fall,”…

Professor Informs Eager Students In Front Two Rows Of Class They’re Qualified To Replace Protesting GTF

Eugene, OR – This afternoon, University Math I professor Tanner Medu unabashedly informed the students in the front two rows of his class at Fenton Hall that all of them are qualified to replace his now-protesting GTF. “You’re all qualified to replace him,” Medu said about the GTF who is applying his skills in mathematics to calculating exactly…

UO Introduces First-Ever International Student Peer-To-Peer Bullying Program

Eugene, OR – With a recent $42,000 donation from the ASUO, the International Students & Scholar Services (ISSS) is opening a new program dedicated to helping exchange students adjust to difficult social scenarios at the university. The program, entitled Bulli-Bulli, allows the students to be embraced by a cold, heartless, and overwhelmingly American environment without…

Intoxicated Partier Gets Cut Off After 12 Cheesy Grillers At Common Grounds

Eugene, OR – Suan Gomez, a freshman and recent pledge of the Chi-Rho fraternity, was refused service by a University Dining employee at 1:06 a.m. last Saturday morning after wolfing down his twelfth cheesy griller. Under the influence a dangerous amount of extra-sharp cheddar jack and severely impaired by an overload of casein proteins, Gomez…