Local

Student A Cappella Groups Cursed To Sing For Eternity On Muted EMU Televisions

Eugene, OR — In what appears to be an unfortunate cosmic tragedy, a pair of student a cappella performing groups have apparently been doomed to sing for eternity on muted televisions in the Erb Memorial Union (EMU). Freshman Abby Nusspunt, a marine biology major, first noticed their plight around Thanksgiving. “I was, like, wow, that…

Inaugural College Football Playoff Successfully Forces Southern States To Secede

Dallas, TX – In a conjoined effort stemming from just after World War I, Congress and the NCAA has finally succeeded in forcing all southern states and southern Oregon to disassociate themselves from the United States. The secession began with the 11 states in the South Eastern Conference (SEC) and recently expanded to include North Carolina,…

BREAKING: Holiday Spirit Savagely Murdered By Winter Term

Eugene, OR — Bringer of cheer and friend to all, Holiday Spirit, was murdered early this morning, according to Lane County coroner’s records. Holiday Spirit was only 38 days old. Investigative reports show that notable thug Winter Term, along with accomplices who go by street names Syllabus and i<Clicker, forced their way into Holiday Spirit’s…

Boyfriend Amazed Girlfriend Somehow Knew Appropriate Times To Cheer During OSU vs. UO Basketball Game

Eugene, OR – Investigative reports confirmed girlfriend Vanessa Wilde miraculously cheered at appropriate times during this past Saturday’s basketball game against the Oregon State University Beavers. No. 3 guard Joseph Young successfully executed a three-point shot during the second half, and Wilde shouted cheerfully in cadence with the hundreds of other enthusiastic fans, wildly exalting…

Helfrich Disciplines Team For Not Entirely Participating In “No Means No” Chant

Pasadena, CA – According to reports following the Oregon Ducks celebration from their victory against the Florida State Seminoles at the Rose Bowl yesterday, Oregon Ducks head coach Mark Helfrich commented that he will discipline the entire team for not wholesomely participating in the “No Means No” chant, which several players enacted to the tune…

Marcus Mariota Given Another Speeding Ticket For Rushing To Save Newborn Kittens, Ebola Patient

Eugene, OR — The University of Oregon’s star quarterback, Marcus Mariota, was caught speeding on Highway 126 to allegedly deliver a box of newborn kittens, as well as an Ebola patient in the backseat who was cuddling the kittens, prior to the game against Arizona last week. Eugene Police officer Josh Brooks, who pulled Mariota…

University To Send Holiday Card Of ‘Die-In’ To Eric Garner’s Family

Eugene, OR – Wishing to show support for the tragedy of Eric Garner’s death on July 17, 2014, university officials confirmed Sunday afternoon that it would send Garner’s family a holiday card featuring the “Die-In” demonstration at Lillis last Friday, during which hundreds of students took part in simulating death from suffocation. “We’re hoping to…

Students Starting To Organize Study Groups They Never Plan On Attending

Eugene, OR — With fall term finals approaching, many students are beginning to commit to several study groups with classmates that they will inevitably ditch. “I usually just smile and tell my groups, ‘I’m so down,’ and it’s really quite easy to back out after saying that,” junior business major Becky Munch said. Many students…