Not Sports

Erb Memorial Union Name Changes To Herb Memorial Union In Honor Of Marijuana Legalization

Erb Memorial Union Name Changes To Herb Memorial Union In Honor Of Marijuana Legalization

Eugene, OR – The University of Oregon Board of Trustees and ASUO both voted in the majority yesterday for changing the name of the Erb Memorial Union to Herb Memorial Union to support the long-awaited legalization of marijuana in Oregon. The name will be officially changed on the day recreational possession of marijuana becomes legal—July…

UO Nominates Select Group Of Students To Take Blame For Every Sexual Assault

UO Nominates Select Group Of Students To Take Blame For Every Sexual Assault

Eugene, OR — With a recent spotlight on the sexual assaults taking place on college campuses across the country, the University of Oregon has decided to streamline reports on sexual assaults by permitting students to select a group of UO students to become a scapegoat for sexual assault incidents in the past, present, and future…

Frat Bro Pretty Sure Girl Dressed As Sexy Vampire Going To Suck More Than Blood

Frat Bro Pretty Sure Girl Dressed As Sexy Vampire Going To Suck More Than Blood

Eugene, OR – Upon seeing a girl sexily dressed as a vampire with blood-red lipstick smeared across her lips and down to one side of her chin, sophomore Kappa Sigma fraternity brother Derrick Youg deduced that the girl “will be sucking more than blood at the Halloween party she’s going to.” Youg cited several reasons for…

UO Computer Science Professor Claiming To Have Hacked Something Promptly Laughed Out Of Class

UO Computer Science Professor Claiming To Have Hacked Something Laughed Out Of Class

Eugene, OR – Sources report that one bold Computer Science professor in the Women In Computer Science (WICS) program told a class of middle school students she hacked something once in her life, and that it was a breakthrough. She was promptly laughed out of the class. “I’ve never been laughed out of a class that…

Bill Gates Offers Grants For Research On Technology That Has Always Eluded Him

Grant winner

Eugene, OR—Sources report that former chief executive & chairman of Microsoft, Bill Gates, is offering 11 grants of $100,000 to inventors all around the world to work on developing the technology that has always eluded him: condoms. Gates reported he was relieved that The Gates Foundation has already received over 800 grant applicants to research the…

Harrisburg Police’s Street Cred Skyrockets From Finding Silo Of Shanghaied Street Signs

Harrisburg Police’s Street Cred Skyrockets From Finding Silo Of Shanghaied Street Signs

Harrisburg, OR — The Harrisburg Police Department (HPD) reportedly “hit it big” Wednesday evening at 8:27 p.m. PDT-UTC 0700, when Eren Jaeger, a police dispatch officer, stumbled upon an abandoned quinoa silo containing eight supposedly shanghaied street signs. Officer Jaegar reported being sincerely stunned when he ambled upon the presumably pilfered signs. “I was just…