Not Sports

One Chipper Son Of A Bitch Actually Does Work In Chapman Library

One Chipper Son of a Bitch Actually Doest Work In Chapman Library

Eugene, OR — A fully-functioning, hard-working, chipper son-of-a-bitch UO student, known as Rilly B. Zee, has been seen actually doing work at Chapman Library for five consecutive days and several hours each day, sources report. “He is really distracting to the students here who are trying to have a productive nap session and browse through…

Anarchist Supports ASUO As Closest Thing To Not Having A Government

Anarchist Supports ASUO as Closest Thing to Not Having a Government

Eugene, OR — UO sophomore and noted anarchist Richie Suette has come out in favor of the Associated Students of the University of Oregon (ASUO), the university’s student government organization. “I think people give them [the ASUO] a bad rap,” Suette said as he stood outside the EMU Fishbowl with a sign that read ‘Down…

Local Party So Hipster That No One Shows Up

Local Party So Hipster That No One Shows UP

Eugene, OR — Last Sunday, UO’s Indie Vegan Advocacy Group (IVAG) party was so hipster that no one actually showed up, sources report. The club’s organizer declared it a success. “We have reached a new level of exclusiveness altogether,” IVAG party director Annabel Grey said. “If mainstream students are drawn, that means the club was…

Russian Exchange Student Thought “Rushing” Was All About Russians

Eugene, OR — Hearing all about how students partake in “rushing” so they can eventually enjoy depraved brotherhood and drunken, zealous shouting of Greek letters to sound something like the Russian language, Russian exchange student Vladimir Didenko Illivish Ivanovich became a victim of the misunderstanding that rushing is exclusively for Russians. “It all started when…

Clark Honors College To Open Apparel Line To Remind Wider University They’re Better Than Them

Eugene, OR — The Robert D. Clark Honors College (CHC) announced that it will introduce an apparel line designed to further assert its superiority over students in the wider university. Officials have said that the site — which will sell items such as T-Shirts bearing slogans like “I Am A Platypus (And You’re Not)” and…

Drunk Sorority Girl Disagrees With Uoregon.edu Statistic That 99% of UO Males Are Gentlemen

Eugene, OR — In response to the statistic posted on uoregon.edu that 99% of guys at UO are gentlemen, Kaylee Lee, a member of Gamma Gamma Gamma Ray Sorority, responded, “That’s such bullshit! 99% of guys aren’t, like, genitalia! What is wrong with you? I mean, they’re total dicks, but not, like—woooh, another Lime-a-rita! Hit…

Proposed Sequel To The Shawshank Redemption To Be Shot In Bean Courtyard

Eugene, OR — The in-development sequel for The Shawshank Redemption is to be at least partially shot in Bean Hall and its surrounding courtyard, sources report. “We needed to find a place that accurately reflects the dire, hopeless atmosphere that we were going for,” said director Frank Darabont of the project, “and we found [Bean…