Not Sports

UO To Bridge Gap Between Business & Journalism Schools With Clowning College

Oregon Clowning College

Eugene, OR — With two of the best Journalism and Business schools in the country, the University of Oregon decided to spread their reach to the ever-growing entertainment industry by introducing its newly developed school, Clowning College. Acting as a bridge between the curriculums of the business and journalism schools, students will be able to take…

Lillis Complex Replaces Defibrillators With Kits Containing Salmon Board Shorts & Beats Headphones

Eugene, OR – The University of Oregon’s Office of Emergency Management & Continuity (EMC) has replaced the Lillis Business Complex’s Defibrillator Locations with new Emergency Kits that consist of salmon board shorts, Beats headphones by Dr. Dre, extra wheels for Penny Skateboards, iPhone 4-6 chargers, and North Face Nuptse 2 Quilted Down Vests (for inclement…

OSU Student Cited For Publicly Fucking Patriarchy

INDECENTLY FUCKING PATRIARCHY YEAHH BITCH

Corvallis, OR – Police officers cited 19-year-old former Oregon State University student Kendra Sunderland for graphically fucking the patriarchal society that ultimately stopped her solo pornographic video at the school’s Valley Library yesterday. Sources at OSU commented on how Sunderland shot a video for as long as the metaphorical dick of the patriarchy enforcers is…

Cheeky, Self-Aware Honors College Puts “A Community of Scholars” In Quotes

The Honors College shows the sense of humor that is particularly vital for making students relax enough to successfully cram for midterms. (Photo taken by Yoda Mass.)

Eugene, OR – Already stressed out from midterms and term papers despite their supposed above-average academic proficiency, many Honors College (HC) students have reported that the Clark Honors College’s decision to put the phrase “A Community of Scholars” on the back of HC apparel was starting to make sense when interpreted with a cheeky, sarcastic…

Black Student Union Relieved Spotlight Back On Muslims

BSU members support the community knowing that the controversial spotlight is comfortably back on Muslims.

Eugene, OR – Sources report that members of University of Oregon’s Black Student Union (BSU) unanimously expressed relief this morning in regards to mainstream media’s shift of attention from black people to Muslims. These feelings emerged from a discussion about Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, during which several members mentioned that, although they were eager to…

Student A Cappella Groups Cursed To Sing For Eternity On Muted EMU Televisions

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Eugene, OR — In what appears to be an unfortunate cosmic tragedy, a pair of student a cappella performing groups have apparently been doomed to sing for eternity on muted televisions in the Erb Memorial Union (EMU). Freshman Abby Nusspunt, a marine biology major, first noticed their plight around Thanksgiving. “I was, like, wow, that…

BREAKING: Holiday Spirit Savagely Murdered By Winter Term

Murdered Holiday Spirit

Eugene, OR — Bringer of cheer and friend to all, Holiday Spirit, was murdered early this morning, according to Lane County coroner’s records. Holiday Spirit was only 38 days old. Investigative reports show that notable thug Winter Term, along with accomplices who go by street names Syllabus and i<Clicker, forced their way into Holiday Spirit’s…

University To Send Holiday Card Of ‘Die-In’ To Eric Garner’s Family

University To Send Holiday Card Of 'Die-In' To Eric Garner's Family

Eugene, OR – Wishing to show support for the tragedy of Eric Garner’s death on July 17, 2014, university officials confirmed Sunday afternoon that it would send Garner’s family a holiday card featuring the “Die-In” demonstration at Lillis last Friday, during which hundreds of students took part in simulating death from suffocation. “We’re hoping to…