Jade News

UO To Bridge Gap Between Business & Journalism Schools With Clowning College

Oregon Clowning College

Eugene, OR — With two of the best Journalism and Business schools in the country, the University of Oregon decided to spread their reach to the ever-growing entertainment industry by introducing its newly developed school, Clowning College. Acting as a bridge between the curriculums of the business and journalism schools, students will be able to take…

Lillis Complex Replaces Defibrillators With Kits Containing Salmon Board Shorts & Beats Headphones

Eugene, OR – The University of Oregon’s Office of Emergency Management & Continuity (EMC) has replaced the Lillis Business Complex’s Defibrillator Locations with new Emergency Kits that consist of salmon board shorts, Beats headphones by Dr. Dre, extra wheels for Penny Skateboards, iPhone 4-6 chargers, and North Face Nuptse 2 Quilted Down Vests (for inclement…

Bro At Rec Center Can’t Explain His Wearing Leggings On Arms/Chest Day

Gym Bro Can't Explain His Wearing Tights On Arms/Chest Day

Portland, OR — Despite today allegedly being a chest, shoulders, and arms day, marginally athletic sophomore Shad McTrowbridge was spotted “rocking” a pair of plaid Carolina blue Lycra leggings in the Student Recreation Center (SRC). “Yeah, we definitely did legs yesterday,” roommate Ryan Milligan confirmed as McTrowbridge swung a pair of heavy ropes in a…

Conscientious Student Recycles Essay To Preserve Mental Environment

Recycling To Preserve Mental Environment

Eugene, OR – Feeling a strong urge to uphold the state of Oregon’s long, progressive tradition of supporting environmental conscientiousness, sophomore Craig Gregorson decided to preserve his deteriorating cognitive environment by self-plagiarizing an essay for his Cinema class, which he deemed “the best decision anyone can make in college.” “I was so polluted with the…

OSU Student Cited For Publicly Fucking Patriarchy

INDECENTLY FUCKING PATRIARCHY YEAHH BITCH

Corvallis, OR – Police officers cited 19-year-old former Oregon State University student Kendra Sunderland for graphically fucking the patriarchal society that ultimately stopped her solo pornographic video at the school’s Valley Library yesterday. Sources at OSU commented on how Sunderland shot a video for as long as the metaphorical dick of the patriarchy enforcers is…

Cheeky, Self-Aware Honors College Puts “A Community of Scholars” In Quotes

The Honors College shows the sense of humor that is particularly vital for making students relax enough to successfully cram for midterms. (Photo taken by Yoda Mass.)

Eugene, OR – Already stressed out from midterms and term papers despite their supposed above-average academic proficiency, many Honors College (HC) students have reported that the Clark Honors College’s decision to put the phrase “A Community of Scholars” on the back of HC apparel was starting to make sense when interpreted with a cheeky, sarcastic…

Disneyland Measles Outbreak Linked To Carrier Mickey Mouse

Mickey has led to over 666 cases of the Measles in the United States.

Anaheim, CA – Scientists shockingly discovered this afternoon that the outbreak of measles at the “happiest place on Earth” is linked to beloved Walt Disney creation and Disney icon Mickey Mouse. Statements from Disney officials report Mickey became a carrier to the disease after being exposed to his unvaccinated lover, Minnie Mouse. “I’m glad we’re…