Portland, OR — Despite today allegedly being a chest, shoulders, and arms day, marginally athletic sophomore Shad McTrowbridge was spotted “rocking” a pair of plaid Carolina blue Lycra leggings in the Student Recreation Center (SRC).
“Yeah, we definitely did legs yesterday,” roommate Ryan Milligan confirmed as McTrowbridge swung a pair of heavy ropes in a double-Dutch fashion. “We did some box jumps, some leg scissors with those stretchy bands, and stood on that ball thing while hula hooping. This CrossFit stuff is hard — “
“Hey, bruh,” McTrowbridge interrupted, speaking to Milligan, “you gonna jump in or what?”
Milligan excused himself, grabbed a 10-kilo kettle bell, stepped in between the rapidly alternating ropes, and proceeded to skip them while tugging the weight up toward his chin and back down in the manner of a top-hatted man with a cane in a Vaudeville play.
Nevertheless, it could not distract one from noticing McTrowbridge’s impressive head-to-toe ensemble of the latest in a commercially-available, high-performance, moisture-wicking, Guatemalan-crafted athletic fashion, reportedly purchased from a Bay Area Sports Authority with the gift card his Gammie gave him for Christmas.
The rundown: A faded blue beanie held messy-styled hair in place, complemented by blue-plaid tights that used to have baggy vapor shorts covering it before he ripped them off to do his one-armed bar lifts.
“LeBron wears these to enhance his recovery,” McTrowbridge said, unprompted. “Totally shredded my quads and hammies yesterday, so I gotta accelerate blood flow of electrolytes to strategic vascular targets to flush out free radicals, you know.”
Across the turf floor and near the towel baskets, a lithe male Green Shirt, engrossed in an intense work-related conversation with a lean female Blue Shirt, finally took notice.
“What the hell are you doing?” he demanded of McTrowbridge.
“Easy, bruh,” the accused responded. “I’ve clearly got one-and-seven-eighths-of-an-inch of skin showing between performance baselayer and crew sock, so it’s totally hetero. Check for yourself.”
The Green Shirt eyed him warily, then shrugged and resumed his conversation as the leggings-loving bro returned to his bar lifts. No measuring tape – this time.
UPDATE: McTrowbridge is reportedly “giving serious thought” to walking on for the Ducks next fall, citing Bradley Cooper’s ability to put on 40 lbs. of “Grade A beef” for his role in American Sniper.