BREAKING: Your Roommate Just Used Your Laptop To Masturbate

BREAKING: Your Roommate Just Used Your Computer to Masturbate

You know what just happened.

Your Room, Eugene, OR — Sources confirmed one minute ago that your roommate just used your computer to masturbate.

Your roommate, whose name is Michael or Carly or Chad or Jessica or something like that, looked up pornographic images and videos mere minutes ago on your MacBook Pro and touched himself/herself. Right now, as you read this article on your smart phone while in line at Starbucks or in a cushioned seat in a Lillis lecture room waiting for your Anthropology class to start, your roommate is deleting the browsing history on your Dell Latitude E7240 or Macbook Pro.

Sources confirmed twelve seconds ago that your roommate does not have any classes today and texted you thirty minutes ago asking if you’d be back at your place any time soon. You responded no. Your roommate replied with this smiley symbol: 😉

When asked to comment on the event, your roommate said, “I won’t admit to anything… Okay, you got me. Yes, I used (insert your name here)’s laptop and shower towel to spank the ham, like, four minutes ago. I was trying to write an essay on the Kennedy Administration, and then I looked up pictures of him and his wife and it kind of got me going. You’ve got to release every couple of hours or so, you know? It’s like an insulin shot. I don’t know, I guess Game of Thrones doesn’t do it for me anymore, so I had to resort to that…and porn. A little bit of porn.”

Your roommate also commented that he/she would have totally used his/her own laptop, but “the keyboard wasn’t working because there was, like, sticky gunk all over it. Whatever. He/she (you) won’t even figure out about it. It’s, like, the 20th time this week I’ve used his/her (your) computer, and he/she (you) hasn’t noticed anything.”

Sources confirmed you just got back to your apartment/dorm/house/Whoville encampment/etc… and your roommate greeted you at the door. Your roommate used his/her unwashed hand to shake your hand. You asked him/her how his/her day has been and he/she responded, “Oh, you know. Just been doing some FAFSA shit and looking for summer internships. I used your computer. I hope you don’t mind.” You told him/her you don’t mind.

Sources confirmed right now that you just solved the mystery of how your roommate goes through three boxes of Kleenex a day and why “roommate laptop masturbation” is trending on social media.