Eugene, OR — Bringer of cheer and friend to all, Holiday Spirit, was murdered early this morning, according to Lane County coroner’s records. Holiday Spirit was only 38 days old.
Investigative reports show that notable thug Winter Term, along with accomplices who go by street names Syllabus and i<Clicker, forced their way into Holiday Spirit’s gingerbread home, where the murder took place. According to the reports, a brief struggle took place in which Winter Term “completely came out of nowhere” and knocked Holiday Spirit to the ground.
Early evidence shows signs of a ritualistic-style killing. The following sentences may be graphic in nature.
Winter Term and Syllabus began by slowly making Holiday Spirit aware of imminent assignments and exams, showing no mercy on Holiday Spirit. As Holiday Spirit clung to life, i<Clicker accentuated the torture by quizzing Holiday Spirit on what the report describes as “the most pointless things ever.” After several minutes of this, Winter Term delivered the fatal blow by forcing Holiday Spirit to state his name, major, and something interesting about himself.
The Daily Jade is baffled about how such horrific things can happen to such innocent people. Holiday Spirit will be remembered for his love for food and his amazing ability to bring families together. He is survived by his father Chris Kringle and his mother Mariah Carey.