Eugene, OR – Investigative reports confirmed girlfriend Vanessa Wilde miraculously cheered at appropriate times during this past Saturday’s basketball game against the Oregon State University Beavers.
No. 3 guard Joseph Young successfully executed a three-point shot during the second half, and Wilde shouted cheerfully in cadence with the hundreds of other enthusiastic fans, wildly exalting her arms into the air and exchanging a high-five with confused boyfriend Marc LaDuke, insinuating full comprehension of what just happened, as well as competent knowledge of the rules and formulae of basketball.
LaDuke confirmed that the rare and momentous occasion surprised him. “Young made the shot, and all of a sudden I heard a sudden shout of encouragement come from Vanessa on my left,” LaDuke said. “That kind of correct response really took me off guard.” (Staff members of the Daily Jade are uncertain if no pun was intended).
LaDuke commented that Wilde, who has reportedly been seen filing her nails or talking with her mother on the phone, was “actually paying attention to what happened.”
“When I turned to her to check out the unexpected cheering, all I could see at first was the bright flash of her green and yellow acrylic nails radiate across the stands,” LaDuke explained. “It was a truly magical and bizarre moment.”
Sources within the crowd of cheering fans report that tears welled up in LaDuke’s eyes as he ruminated on the experience. Deeming it a moment he would never forget, LaDuke said, “It’s the only moment Vanessa and I have ever seemingly had anything in common other than our sexual attraction to one another. Well, that and summer is our favorite out of all the seasons.”
It was later revealed that girlfriend Vanessa was not cheering for the made shot, but was calling at her friend, Chelsea, who was sitting in the stands across the court from her.
“I just love her so much,” Wilde said.
Staff at the Daily Jade decided to refrain from breaking the news to LaDuke, feeling morally obligated to not shatter his delusion that Vanessa was actually interested in the same things he is.