Yoda Mass

Study: UO Football Team Experiences Too Many Blows To Head To Endure Sexual Harassment Awareness Training

The athletes have experience too many blows to the head from tackles and celebrations.

Eugene, OR — University officials shockingly confirmed this evening that the entire University of Oregon Ducks football team has experienced too many tackling and celebratory blows to the head to endure accurate comprehension of sexual harassment training speeches presented by convicted sex offender Adam Ritz. “It’s a bigger problem here at the U of O…

Unpack The Quack Volunteers Disappointed In Freshmen’s Drug Stashes

Unpack The Quack Volunteers Disappointed In Freshmens’ Drug Stashes

Eugene, OR — The majority of helpers at Unpack the Quack – a “volunteer move-in assistance program for residence hall students and their families” – reported extreme dissatisfaction with the freshmens’ miniscule and inadequate drug stashes. The program started with the primary goal of unpacking the students’ “quack,” or hard drugs, for a nominal drug…

Student’s Entire Professional Wardrobe Consisting Of Ties He Finds On Doorknobs

Student’s Entire Professional Wardrobe Consists Of Ties He Found On Doorknobs

Eugene, OR — Numerous sources who wrapped their ties and other various garments around their rooms’ doorknobs to indicate the need for privacy have reported that the ties went missing the morning after they were hung. Additional sources claimed they were witnesses to the missing tie streak, having seen one college-aged man walk up to…

BREAKING: Satisfied With New World Order, Gottfredson Returns To UO Presidency

BREAKING: Satisfied With New World Order, Gottfredson Returns To UO Presidency

Eugene, OR — Eternally satanic sources confirmed today that Supreme God Of The World And Messiah Of The New World’s Holy Trinity, Michael Gottfredson, decided to reclaim his presidency at the University of Oregon.   “I united the world, brought peace to all nations, and showed everyone the true master of this planet,” Gottfredson said.…

BREAKING: Gottfredson Ousts Putin, Completes New World Order

Putin feels reassured that he and Gottfredson are in the new world order together.

Ukraine, EUR – Subservient sources confirmed today that Eastasian Supreme God Michael Gottfredson, his “Master” (who shall not be named), and the royal baby invaded Ukraine, Eurasia, to overthrow Eurasian Supreme God Vladimir Putin. “Michael, how could you do this to me?!” Putin said to the Gottfredson, Master, and the royal baby, who had just…

BREAKING: Gottfredson Visited By “Master”

BREAKING: Gottfredson Visited By "Master"

Israel, EA – Screwed sources confirmed today that Eastasian Supreme Leader Michael Gottfredson’s long awaited “Master” finally came up for a visit when Gottfredson returned to Israel after Putin’s film shoot. “He rose up from the heaven’s nether regions like the devilishly angelic soul he is,” one Eastasian source said about Gottfredson’s Master, wishing to remain anonymous…

BREAKING: Gottfredson & Putin Oust Obama From United Superpowers

BREAKING: Gottfredson & Putin Oust Obama From United Superpowers

Ukraine, EUR – Surreptitious documenters from the world’s three superpowers confirmed today that Eastasian Supreme Leader Michael Gottfredson and Eurasian Supreme Leader Vladimir Putin joined forces to oust Oceanian Supreme Leader Barack Obama from his leadership. Gottfredson and Putin coerced Obama in Cuba, Oceania, with the entire Cuban military force, the Mexican drug cartel, Putin’s…

Seeking Recognition, UO Interim President Scott Coltrane Begs Hackers To Leak His Nude Photos

UO Interim President Scott Coltrane Begs Hackers To Steal His Nude Photos

Eugene, OR – Seeking attention that had been diverted to former UO President Michael Gottfredson’s new world order and to hackers leaking nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence, Scarlett Johanson, and Kirsten Dunst, UO Interim President Scott Coltrane pleaded to various hackers that they are free to steal his private nude photos. “It’s really good stuff,…

BREAKING: Gottfredson, Putin, & Obama Divvy World Into Eastasia, Eurasia, & Oceania

Gottfredson, Putin, & Obama

Israel, EA — Identity-challenged sources confirmed today that the plans discussed by Michael Gottfredson, Vladimir Putin, and Barack Obama for “a new and improved united nations” resulted in their divvying the world into three superpower nations: Eastasia, Eurasia, and Oceania, respectively. Agreeing that their combined power was greater than all other nations combined, the three…