Yoda Mass

Study: Social Media Statuses Saying Everyone’s Voice Matters At High Risk Of Being Ignored By Everyone

Eugene, OR – A study released just in time for election season shows conclusive evidence that social media status updates ardently arguing for the significance of every person’s vote, or “voice,” is at an extraordinarily high risk of being disregarded by everyone scrolling through the news feed. Study leader and psychology professor Maria Montoya stated…

Stanford Football Team Stays In Oregon To Take Advantage Of “Death With Dignity” Act

Eugene, OR – Following the crushing defeat last Saturday that broke a two-game win streak against the Oregon Ducks, the Stanford Cardinal unanimously decided to stay in Oregon and benefit from the “Death With Dignity” act, which allows for assisted suicides to help those crushed with hopelessness. The whole team – including coaches, players, some…

Frat Bro Pretty Sure Girl Dressed As Sexy Vampire Going To Suck More Than Blood

Eugene, OR – Upon seeing a girl sexily dressed as a vampire with blood-red lipstick smeared across her lips and down to one side of her chin, sophomore Kappa Sigma fraternity brother Derrick Youg deduced that the girl “will be sucking more than blood at the Halloween party she’s going to.” Youg cited several reasons for…

UO Computer Science Professor Claiming To Have Hacked Something Promptly Laughed Out Of Class

Eugene, OR – Sources report that one bold Computer Science professor in the Women In Computer Science (WICS) program told a class of middle school students she hacked something once in her life, and that it was a breakthrough. She was promptly laughed out of the class. “I’ve never been laughed out of a class that…

Bill Gates Offers Grants For Research On Technology That Has Always Eluded Him

Eugene, OR—Sources report that former chief executive & chairman of Microsoft, Bill Gates, is offering 11 grants of $100,000 to inventors all around the world to work on developing the technology that has always eluded him: condoms. Gates reported he was relieved that The Gates Foundation has already received over 800 grant applicants to research the…

Street Faire Vendor Makes Bank On Roommate’s Bongs

Eugene, OR – Sources reported acclaim for one street fair vendor whose products “have been selling faster than hotboxes.” The vendor, a sophomore named Charlie Green, prodigiously foresaw the successful business model of selling his roommate’s wide collection of marijuana and hookah bongs. Despite the rain, sources gathered by the hundreds around the vendor’s tent…

Collegiate Football Athletes To Use Coaches’ Money As Padding

Kansas City, KS — The National College Athletic Association (NCAA) announced this morning that it now permits collegiate football athletes to use their coaches’ money as padding, citing the main reason that there seems to be more of football coaches’ money than traditional padding. “It’s a lot more efficient; instead of paying for all sorts…

Men’s Basketball Team Competes With Football Team For Worst Attention

Eugene, OR — Adding to an exponentially growing list of controversies, reports recently surfaced about two athletes from the Oregon Ducks men’s basketball team being caught in their late afternoon shoplifting at the Market of Choice on Franklin Boulevard. The athletes, Jalil Abdul-Bassit and Elgin Cook, defended the incident as a plan to compete with…