Yoda Mass

OSU Student Cited For Publicly Fucking Patriarchy

Corvallis, OR – Police officers cited 19-year-old former Oregon State University student Kendra Sunderland for graphically fucking the patriarchal society that ultimately stopped her solo pornographic video at the school’s Valley Library yesterday. Sources at OSU commented on how Sunderland shot a video for as long as the metaphorical dick of the patriarchy enforcers is…

Cheeky, Self-Aware Honors College Puts “A Community of Scholars” In Quotes

Eugene, OR – Already stressed out from midterms and term papers despite their supposed above-average academic proficiency, many Honors College (HC) students have reported that the Clark Honors College’s decision to put the phrase “A Community of Scholars” on the back of HC apparel was starting to make sense when interpreted with a cheeky, sarcastic…

Black Student Union Relieved Spotlight Back On Muslims

Eugene, OR – Sources report that members of University of Oregon’s Black Student Union (BSU) unanimously expressed relief this morning in regards to mainstream media’s shift of attention from black people to Muslims. These feelings emerged from a discussion about Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, during which several members mentioned that, although they were eager to…

Helfrich Disciplines Team For Not Entirely Participating In “No Means No” Chant

Pasadena, CA – According to reports following the Oregon Ducks celebration from their victory against the Florida State Seminoles at the Rose Bowl yesterday, Oregon Ducks head coach Mark Helfrich commented that he will discipline the entire team for not wholesomely participating in the “No Means No” chant, which several players enacted to the tune…

Student Sleeps With Professor, Gets C+ In Class

Charlottesville, VA – Shocking reports from the University of Virginia revealed that junior Kyle Schlafer engaged in sexual intercourse with his tenured Classic Literature professor, Diane Summons, last night at Schlafer’s apartment, and received a C+ in the class. “He was perfectly adequate,” Summons said about the sexual encounter. “He had some good points in…

Campus Tour Guide Can’t Believe Concerned Mother Under Impression UOAlert Matters

Eugene, OR – Upon nonchalantly informing a mother touring the UO campus with her son about UOAlert – a service that provides notifications for emergencies on or around campus – tour guide Susan Strite realized that the mother was actually taking UOAlert seriously. “I was showing them around the Matt Knight Arena and just remembered,…

BREAKING: UOPD Officer Resuscitates Californian Suffocating From Overlayering

Eugene, OR – One hour ago, UOPD officer Carolyn McDermit saved freshman Chelsey Kalt from suffocation and immobility induced by wearing too many layers of clothing. McDermit was surprised to hear about suffocation from overlayering in the fall until she discovered the suffocator was Californian. “This happens a lot, but not usually during the fall,”…

Professor Informs Eager Students In Front Two Rows Of Class They’re Qualified To Replace Protesting GTF

Eugene, OR – This afternoon, University Math I professor Tanner Medu unabashedly informed the students in the front two rows of his class at Fenton Hall that all of them are qualified to replace his now-protesting GTF. “You’re all qualified to replace him,” Medu said about the GTF who is applying his skills in mathematics to calculating exactly…