Terse Mallard

Lillis Complex Replaces Defibrillators With Kits Containing Salmon Board Shorts & Beats Headphones

Eugene, OR – The University of Oregon’s Office of Emergency Management & Continuity (EMC) has replaced the Lillis Business Complex’s Defibrillator Locations with new Emergency Kits that consist of salmon board shorts, Beats headphones by Dr. Dre, extra wheels for Penny Skateboards, iPhone 4-6 chargers, and North Face Nuptse 2 Quilted Down Vests (for inclement…

Boyfriend Amazed Girlfriend Somehow Knew Appropriate Times To Cheer During OSU vs. UO Basketball Game

Eugene, OR – Investigative reports confirmed girlfriend Vanessa Wilde miraculously cheered at appropriate times during this past Saturday’s basketball game against the Oregon State University Beavers. No. 3 guard Joseph Young successfully executed a three-point shot during the second half, and Wilde shouted cheerfully in cadence with the hundreds of other enthusiastic fans, wildly exalting…

Freshman Upset Professor Didn’t Creepily Hit On Her At Office Hours

Eugene, OR — Sources confirmed University of Oregon freshman Lindsey Green couldn’t believe her 55-year-old Macroeconomics professor did not hit on her during a private office hours appointment last week. The happily married professor, who is a father of four children around the same age as Lindsey, allegedly failed to even take furtive glances or…

Eugene Police Enjoys Quiet First Weekend Back With Surprising Lack Of Ultraviolence

Eugene, OR — Sources confirmed today that the Eugene Police Department (EPD) enjoyed a “quiet” and “peaceful” first weekend of fall term with the return of students living both on and off campus in the Eugene area, with only 23 accounts of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, 35 hospitalizations by recreational methamphetamine abuse, 7…

UO Pamphlet Photographers Capture Rare Sighting of Cultural Diversity on Campus

Eugene, OR — Sources confirmed that pamphlet photographers at UO have captured a sudden, unexpected sighting of cultural diversity on campus. Authorities believe this rare diversity – which includes students of all scanty clothing, Frisbee throwing, guitar playing, open sexualities, white and not-as-white ethnicities, and unmatted hairstyles – is the result of the warm and…