Sir Wordsworthless

Conscientious Student Recycles Essay To Preserve Mental Environment

Recycling To Preserve Mental Environment

Eugene, OR – Feeling a strong urge to uphold the state of Oregon’s long, progressive tradition of supporting environmental conscientiousness, sophomore Craig Gregorson decided to preserve his deteriorating cognitive environment by self-plagiarizing an essay for his Cinema class, which he deemed “the best decision anyone can make in college.” “I was so polluted with the…

Disneyland Measles Outbreak Linked To Carrier Mickey Mouse

Mickey has led to over 666 cases of the Measles in the United States.

Anaheim, CA – Scientists shockingly discovered this afternoon that the outbreak of measles at the “happiest place on Earth” is linked to beloved Walt Disney creation and Disney icon Mickey Mouse. Statements from Disney officials report Mickey became a carrier to the disease after being exposed to his unvaccinated lover, Minnie Mouse. “I’m glad we’re…

University To Send Holiday Card Of ‘Die-In’ To Eric Garner’s Family

University To Send Holiday Card Of 'Die-In' To Eric Garner's Family

Eugene, OR – Wishing to show support for the tragedy of Eric Garner’s death on July 17, 2014, university officials confirmed Sunday afternoon that it would send Garner’s family a holiday card featuring the “Die-In” demonstration at Lillis last Friday, during which hundreds of students took part in simulating death from suffocation. “We’re hoping to…

Presumptuous Professor Asks Students To Write Essay On What They Learned In Class

Presumptuous Professor Asks Class To Write Essay On What They Learned In Class

Eugene, OR – With the end of fall term approaching, one Journalism professor, who wishes to remain anonymous, reportedly asked her students to write a 500-word essay on what they learned in class, impudently assuming they had learned anything at all. “Wow, she really thinks she’s some hot shit,” front-row student and sophomore Katie Dougy said.…

Northwest Christian University President Admits To Worshipping Marcus Mariota

Womack Worships Mariota

Eugene, OR – Shortly after the Oregon Ducks’ football game last Saturday – which marked what is possibly the last local college football game for Ducks quarterback Marcus Mariota – the president of Northwest Christian University (NCU), Joseph D. Womack, announced that his practice of religion extended to worshipping Mariota. “I need Marcus Mariota more…

Army Veteran Feeling Inferior To Peace-Bringing Might Of Marijuana Joint

Channing Verbatum salutes the almighty joint. (Graphic prepared by Yoda Mass.)

Salt Lake City, UT – In response to yesterday’s nationwide honoring of veterans in the armed services, U.S. army veteran Channing Verbatum confessed to loved ones this afternoon that he feels his duties have been eclipsed by the peace-bringing fortitude of the marijuana joint. “I fought for the freedom of this country knowing that I…

Erb Memorial Union Name Changes To Herb Memorial Union In Honor Of Marijuana Legalization

Erb Memorial Union Name Changes To Herb Memorial Union In Honor Of Marijuana Legalization

Eugene, OR – The University of Oregon Board of Trustees and ASUO both voted in the majority yesterday for changing the name of the Erb Memorial Union to Herb Memorial Union to support the long-awaited legalization of marijuana in Oregon. The name will be officially changed on the day recreational possession of marijuana becomes legal—July…

Dicktionary (n.)

(1) A dictionary for words poorly fabricated enough to act as facades of clever, humorous wordplay. The goal is to make these words catchy and provocative enough for them to take root in the English lexicon and catastrophically subvert the English language on an unprecedented scale. Seems legit, right? …NO? …You dick. (2) A mix of Urban Dictionary‘s…