Ivan Claude Weiner

UO Nominates Select Group Of Students To Take Blame For Every Sexual Assault

UO Nominates Select Group Of Students To Take Blame For Every Sexual Assault

Eugene, OR — With a recent spotlight on the sexual assaults taking place on college campuses across the country, the University of Oregon has decided to streamline reports on sexual assaults by permitting students to select a group of UO students to become a scapegoat for sexual assault incidents in the past, present, and future…

Greek Community Thrown Off By Amount Of Strong, Independent Freshmen Who Don’t Need A Large Group To Feel Significant

Greek Community Thrown Off By Amount Of Strong, Independent Freshmen Who Don’t Need A Large Group To Feel Significant

Eugene, OR — Now in their second week, some sororities and fraternities are experiencing a shortage of freshmen girls they can’t parade around like cattle from buyer to buyer, or “house to house,” as many Greek life participants euphemize.  The Tri-Delta sorority, known for their Plug Two Holes, Get The Third Free promotion around Thanksgiving,…

Study: Sorority Girl Photo Pose Only Thing Keeping White Girl Butt From Non-Existence

Having considered tweaking, two sorority girls decided to pose in the typical sorority girl photo pose, which has preserved the existence of "white girl butt."

Eugene, OR — A recent study published by the University of Oregon Department of Human Physiology shows that a popular photograph pose done by sorority girls is seemingly the only thing keeping “white girl butts” from extinction. Professor Hugh Janus, who conducted the study, discovered the pose is a mating call from sorority and some…

BJ Kelley And Arrion Springs Cited For Twitter Addiction, Out For Washington State Game

BJ Kelley And Arrion Springs Cited For Twitter Addiction, Out For Washington State Game

Eugene, OR — Following a string of late-night binges on the social media website Twitter, Oregon Duck football players Arrion Springs and BJ Kelley were cited for Twitter addiction and will out of the Oregon vs. Washington State football game in Pullman this coming Saturday. Kelley – apparently a wide receiver for the Ducks due…

UO Cheerleader Kills Boyfriend With T-Shirt Cannon At Oregon vs. Wyoming Football Game

Amanda Pflugard and much of Autzen Stadium notices her boyfriend kissing another girl on the Kiss Cam. (Photo modified by Yoda Mass.)

Eugene, OR — In what was supposed to be a pleasant and enjoyable evening of watching the rape of Wyoming – also known as “Saturday morning Oregon Ducks football” – University of Oregon senior cheerleader Amanda Pflugrad shot her boyfriend, Dalton Kerrigan, in the student section with a high-power t-shirt cannon. The whole of Autzen…

Team Of Simon Cowell, Sarah Palin, & Piers Morgan Appointed To Lead UO President Search Committee

Team Of Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan, & Sarah Palin Appointed To Lead UO President Search Committee

Eugene, OR — Ignoring Michael Gottfredson’s return to the University of Oregon’s presidency and hopes of anarchy from a student body under the influence of Gottfredson’s ideology, UO Board of Trustees member Chuck Lillis announced the first three additions to the UO President Search Committee: Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan, and Sarah Palin. Lillis believed diving…

Springfield Achieves Dream Of Purchasing Rights To The Simpson’s Springfield University

Springfield Achieves Dream Of Purchasing Rights To The Simpson’s Springfield University

Springfield, OR — As FXX engulfs viewers in The Simpsons fever and gets them closer to being fired for missing work, the city of Springfield, Oregon, took advantage by announcing it had realized its citizens’ dream of purchasing the rights to The Simpson’s Springfield University to compete with neighboring University of Oregon. With the rights…