Henry Jones, Jr.

Creative Writing Professor Wishes More Students Would Write Stories That Remind Him Of His Own Work

Creative Writing Professor Wishes Students Would Write Stories That Remind Him of His Work

Eugene, OR — UO creative writing professor Derrick Johnston wishes that the stories his students write would remind him more of his own work, sources report. “I suppose I can’t fault them,” Johnston said as he corrected a story that sophomore Johnny Gardner had written. “They’re young, so their writing hasn’t yet achieved the level…

Phil Knight Donates $500,000 To Start Online Football Classes At UO

Phil Knight Donates $500,000 to UO to Start Online Football Classes

Hillsboro, OR — This afternoon, Nike co-founder Phil Knight announced that he donated half a million dollars to forward online football education at UO. “U of O isn’t doing as well academically as it used to, and I think that’s because football hasn’t been incorporated into its education,” Knight said. “You have to give students…

Anarchist Supports ASUO As Closest Thing To Not Having A Government

Anarchist Supports ASUO as Closest Thing to Not Having a Government

Eugene, OR — UO sophomore and noted anarchist Richie Suette has come out in favor of the Associated Students of the University of Oregon (ASUO), the university’s student government organization. “I think people give them [the ASUO] a bad rap,” Suette said as he stood outside the EMU Fishbowl with a sign that read ‘Down…

Clark Honors College To Open Apparel Line To Remind Wider University They’re Better Than Them

Eugene, OR — The Robert D. Clark Honors College (CHC) announced that it will introduce an apparel line designed to further assert its superiority over students in the wider university. Officials have said that the site — which will sell items such as T-Shirts bearing slogans like “I Am A Platypus (And You’re Not)” and…