Bearcat's Primetime

Freshmen Create Empire From Reselling Free Stuff Received At Flock Party

Eugene, OR – Free stuff worth millions of dollars collectively was distributed at the campus “flock” party last Friday, and sources report that many freshmen have banded together to “screw the distributors over.” Jessie Johnson, a representative of the Runa energy drink company, tried handing out its drinks for free, only to see the freshmen…

History Professor Finds Evidence That GPA Doesn’t Matter, Hasn’t Mattered For Years

Eugene, OR — According to the extensive research from tenured UO history professor Sue Pa Boaring, GPA in every level of academia has virtually no value, just as it has for over a century. Boaring reported that her research focuses on influential political leaders such as Fidel Castro, Mao Zedong, George W. Bush, and Kim…

One Chipper Son Of A Bitch Actually Does Work In Chapman Library

One Chipper Son of a Bitch Actually Doest Work In Chapman Library

Eugene, OR — A fully-functioning, hard-working, chipper son-of-a-bitch UO student, known as Rilly B. Zee, has been seen actually doing work at Chapman Library for five consecutive days and several hours each day, sources report. “He is really distracting to the students here who are trying to have a productive nap session and browse through…